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[Transcript] Live from the Beach: Kingfisher and Lafferty Brainstorm
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Live from the Beach:
Kingfisher and Lafferty Brainstorm
I Should Be Writing S18 Ep42
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
billionaire, anglerfish, thought, aquarium, bite, sperm whale, alfred, beach, bird, writing, ursula, people, live, big, book, erotica, full moon, kevin, loon, premium
SPEAKERS
Mur Lafferty
Ursula Vernon (T. Kingfisher)
01:54
Hello, I should be writing listeners. This is Mur Lafferty and I’m opening this up with a little bit of information: a little bit of news. Because of burnout and because of finishing my latest book, I’ve decided to take June off of most things, including recording and podcasting. You’ll be hearing this in June 2022 Because I recorded it in May and didn’t get it up. (This kind of thing led to the burnout.) But I haven’t had a chance to talk about the fact that I will be interviewing John Scalzi about his latest book, The Kaiju Preservation Society, for our latest Spoilers Club interview on June 25 6pm Eastern time. If you need to be reminded: Spoilers Club is where we read the book ahead of time and then talk to the author about why they made decisions. Any topic is up for grabs. We’re gonna be doing it live and then placing it in the feed later. If you want to watch live and join us, that would be at twitch.tv/mightymur and again, that’s June 25 2020 to 6pm Eastern time, right. Now let’s get to our show.
[Theme Song]
MUR LAFFERTY: We are live at the beach! We are not in the dark and dank basement; we are upstairs with the pretty view of the ocean. I don’t know if you can see it, but hopefully you can hear it
03:53
URSULA VERNON: Yes, it is the bright light thing behind us is the sky over the Yes. I hope you can hear us too.
04:03
ML: I think so people were able to hear us before Okay, good. Hi. Stareyedgreen is here. Hello.
04:10
UV: So if you can hear us say you can hear us in the chat please. Otherwise I get nervous that we’re like, you know doing whole thing in mind.
04:19
[chat talking about audio quality]
04:30
UV: I worry. I’ve recorded too many podcasts were turned out one of our mics wasn’t working. And then we had to redo the whole thing and it was very,
04:37
ML: there was I just recently did a ditch diggers where I didn’t realize I had two mics on they couldn’t hear it but the podcast could Oh, so I sounded
04:46
UV: Yeah, like you are in an echo chamber. Pretty much. Hey, sure. Take that one. It is Ursula again.
04:50
ML: So yeah, I um it’s been a good week of writing. I’ve gotten… I’ve lost count. That’s good. Actually, I could look I have the laptop right here… 2500 today. Very respectable. And then let’s see. 800 yesterday, but lots of planning. There was cleaning up and notecards. 3000… The day before 3000 on the 23rd, 1200 on the 20th.
05:30
UV: So, man, you are rockin and rollin.
05:33
ML: It looks like I’m close to crossing 10,000 Not bad. But the ergonomic thing is not good for my head — or rather non ergonomic thing. So I’m having to take more migraine medicine than I usually have to, so this this messes with my energy and my concentration. And so I thought since Ursula was here with me and she pulled me out of fire yesterday she could pull me out of the fire today.
06:08
UV: Yes, it wasn’t much of a fire it was it was a stranded loon
06:14
ML: I went out to just check how the path was to beach. And there’s this duck looking creature with a really sharp beak, just sitting there in the middle of the path. And it was like gray and rainy or dismal yesterday so nobody was there. And I was like well, birds usually don’t do that. Unless they’re like nesting, and it was in the middle of the path. So it’s probably injured but I didn’t like the look of the beak. So I just kind of bet–
06:48
UV: directly so the beak of the beak was yeah
06:51
ML: and yeah, so I’m just like, but I know zilch about wildlife rescue. But luckily, I have a friend who is a birder and knows and kept track of how many turtles you rescued.
[Unintelligible]
07:07
UV: no it. I mean, most of the time, it’s just grab them and take them across the road in the direction they were going. Yes, yeah.
07:17
ML: the bird story does have a happy ending. I’m not gonna I’m not gonna build up any stress for you. It was– I knew Ursula was about 45 minutes out. So if the bird was injured, it can still be injured 45 minutes out. And so luckily, I personally got there. The bird had moved. It was still looking like it was nesting lying down, but it moved like up the wheelchair ramp. So I’m like, well that’s probably a good sign if it’s moved that far. But it still should not be so pleasantly settled into a main thoroughfare for
07:59
UV: so common loons, have their legs set really really far back and this makes them very strong swimmers. But it means they can’t walk on land for shit. They literally have to wheelbarrow and push their chests along. And–
08:16
ML: that’s how it got there. I would have liked to see that. I’m sorry to say,
08:19
UV: Well, if we didn’t see a little bit of it, it just sort of moves it with walking towards Kevin or shoving itself towards Kevin. And it made quite a distance that way I have to say but they can’t take off from land. They need at least a quarter mile of water usually to get enough of a launch–
ML: And how did a bird like this evolve? That’s what I don’t get, like. Sorry, go on.
UV: They’re not well put together. And so I saw it. I knew immediately it was a loon. It was stuck. And I call wildlife rescue. Fortunately, there was one nearby and said look, we got a loon it’s here appears to be– it’s trapped in the middle of the walkway. And it was like yeah, it stuck. Grab it, [throw a towel over it] because the beak is nasty. And like Can we just take it to the water and let it go? And he’s like, Yeah, take it to the sound which is on the other side of the island. The Outer Banks–
09:20
ML: islands here very thin. Yeah, so it’s like, what less than a mile? Yeah, I think so. The thing is like finding the right road to take you there.
09:29
UV: It’s densely built up for ya. So you have to like find a way to get to the sound. And so fortunately, my husband Kevin keeps chickens and loves animals and is basically a Disney princess. And he took a beach towel, one of Mur’s, threw it over the loan, then the loon tried to take his eyes out because they’re not kidding about the beak; it is it is like a dagger.
ML: And that’s what evolution did for it; it’s like you can’t stand or take off from land but if anybody gets near you, you will kill them.
10:07
UV: Pretty much, and what everyone was sending me yesterday was links to the news article about how they found a bald eagle stabbed to death by with a loon beak through the heart. They can be very dangerous. I do not recommend if you find a stranded loon unless you are very strong and have multiple people and are confident of trying to wrangle it, and always throw something over the the beak but they also have very sneaky necks so it kept getting out from under the towel and then going for Kevin’s eyes but he’s fought with roosters before, so he you know was fine. I drove him to the sound.
10:49
ML: This was an adventure I wanted to go on. But Gwenda Bond was in the shotgun seat and I would have had to sit in the back with Kevin–
10:58
UV: –and the loon mad murder bird–
11:01
ML: And so I thought, you know what, Kevin? You get the whole backseat. You just do what you need in the back seat. I’ll just sit at home and hope. So yeah, they went off and I waited. It wasn’t a long time because the sound isn’t that far away.
11:15
UV: Yeah, we got there. And Kevin like, you know, unceremoniously flung it into the canal that is off the sound and it immediately was flapping its wings and taking an enormous crap and drinking a lot because it was probably very thirsty honestly. And we did — for those concerned about avian flu, we observed strict biosecurity: Kevin got home, pulled off his boots, pulled off all of his clothes, shoved them into the washing machine, fled naked down the hall to the shower.
ML: We were all told us to stay off the second floor. Yeah.
UV: And immediately scrubbed everything so that there’s no chance of becoming in contact with chickens because we don’t want to, you know, for them to pick up the [illness].
12:06
ML: So we got apparently twitches bleeping out the bird name and like as we say it isn’t leaving it out or because it doesn’t seem to be bleeping the text. Daniel [in chat] wants to be a Disney princess. [Unintelligible]
Yes, I do want to say quick, sorry, quick sidenote: Premee is here! Premee won a Nebula last weekend. Congratulations! Awesome [?] awesome. So everybody, check out Premee’s stuff because Premee’s amazing. Congratulations. I want pictures of you with the nebula when you get it. [Unintelligible] Apparently it is also leaving the loon word in chat. Okay, if I’m not getting any, like moderator notes of someone who said something bad.
13:07
UV: If it turns out this is an obscure slur that neither of us have heard, I apologize profoundly to anyone who is offended, please, please explain to us who is still because we’re confused.
13:23
ML: No, no, I’m not confused. It’s it’s ableism towards mental health problems.
13:30
UV: Okay. But the bird is a loon. I know there is a loon. Yes.
13:38
ML: And you know, a female dog is a bitch but sometimes they don’t like to say that either.
13:41
UV: So okay, that’s on the nose. We don’t like saying yes, maybe thinking unstable. This language. Yeah, that’s what I was thinking.
13:52
ML: So anyway, I didn’t have a plan. I like I said, I wrote 2500 words today. I still have a good way to go. I don’t know if I’ll have it in me to write after this. But I did toss an idea to Ursula with no warning about 10 minutes ago. And she was confused, but she was game.
14:12
UV: I try to say yes to life as much as possible.
14:22
ML: Whether you’re Shonda bird or your Shonda Rhimes, My Year of Yes would be very different. Rescuing the dagger face bird, agreeing to merge weird ideas. We were congratulating Premee for the nebula she won last weekend. Yes, yes. Um, so yeah, first one. It had to be at least 10 years ago by now.
UV: Oh, God. I hope not but I think it is. I don’t know. I don’t know why we thought of it but it was when, like, people, you know, 50 Shades of Grey was big and then all of the copycats 50 Shades of Grey came out. And so like billionaires spanking you was a big thing.
ML: Billionaire erotica.
UV: Billionaire erotica. And then people started making bank on self pub doing billionaire were-animal erotica.
15:22
ML: [To chat] Was it? Millionaires, Shapeshifter erotica.
15:26
UV: okay, Shapeshifter erotica. If she was around, she probably knows.
15:32
ML: And then in our moment of genius, we said, what if we combine the two?
15:40
UV: It didn’t last long though. Because when we got involved, yeah,
15:44
ML: Well, we, I had, just, you probably like came out of the womb knowing all of your weird, scary animal facts, and I had just like learned about the horrors of the male angler fish and I believe that Oatmeal has a very good explanation–illustrated explanation–of why the male angler fish is probably the unluckiest animal in the world. Fish, and like all animals included, like even even male praying mantises at least get to have sex. Yes, I’m
16:21
UV: Also I have to say, praying mantis females don’t commit cannibalism as often as people think. All the observations were done on captive specimens. And if you can’t get out of the aquarium, of course, surely. But in the wild, the male praying mantis will go up, do the deed, and then run like hell. And frequently he gets away.
16:45
ML: Yeah, but it’s not like there wouldn’t be cannibalism if she weren’t–I’m sorry. You made it sound like they don’t always eat them, but they don’t always eat them because the males get away. Not because the females don’t want to eat–
17:05
UV: Well the jury’s kind of out on a lot of the meat eating; like spiders and things where it’s they don’t necessarily want to eat you but then you put a foot wrong or something or poker in a way she doesn’t like and she’s like, immediately goes to eat yours. So, uh, See,
17:25
ML: [to chat[ I told you! Shael: ‘no, there was a billionaire shapeshifter, erotica streak and self pub for a while.’
UV: All right, I knew we weren’t. We were ahead of our time.
17:34
ML: Thank you. Thank you Shael. So my thought was if you take like, billionaire alpha male, manly spanking dude. The worst thing you could do to him was making him into an angler fish.
17:47
UV: Yes, because being a male angler fish is about as far from anything alpha. And yes, we know that alpha wolves aren’t actually a thing– that’s a complete mess. But
18:05
ML: Yes, and momentarily doesn’t mean ‘in just a second,’ but people change language. So
18:12
UV: Yes, but when we’re applying the whole alpha male thing, we can’t apply it to wolves, which is why people always try to apply it to wolves. It’s completely false. When applied to Alpha females, now, in hyenas, yes. But like the Alpha Wolf is just your dad basically, and because they’re all family packs, and he’s like the dad friend, and there’s various people have said, you know,
18:37
ML: Right, knee socks, barbecues,
UV: fanny pack full of crackers if you get hungry. Oh, yeah.
ML: Yeah. Anyway, so we thought about this for a while we agreed it was brilliant. And we should do it. However, two things got in our way. One was our actual career or actual careers and contracts with money attached. [Two] And the fact that we’re both kind of not real porn erotica writers,
19:12
UV: and I don’t wish to conflate porn and erotica, because they are. But yes, writing sex scenes. It’s very hard for me. I giggle.
19:22
ML: Yeah. And then co-writing [erotica] sounds like, oh so much, nightmarish? Yeah. So are fun. We’re anglerfish erotica slash porn. Perhaps. We decided if we were actually going to do it, it should it should be a rom com. Yes. We still have billionaire dude. Bitten by [unintelligible]
19:46
UV: and then Mur came up with a brilliant like, villain and plot device.
19:50
ML: Yes, I really love our villain. Our villain is female, female were-anglerfish. Of course. She owns an offshore casino. So she bit him and now she’s just waiting for him on the next full moon because he will turn into an anglerfish and feel her call and be desperate to get to her. [unintelligible to chat]
20:24
UV: Also, it should be pointed out that, for what we’re doing, I don’t know if a non-evil were is going to be much different.
20:31
[unintelligible]
20:37
ML: this? This book she would probably try to push it more towards the erotica slash porn option. But add more spanking. Probably some spanking, but more than we were planning on putting in. We’ve not actually discussed how much spanking.
20:59
UV: See, I wanted the heroine to be something– it had to be something aquatic Yeah, we haven’t talked about her yet. Yes, obviously we have to have a–since we have a whole aquatic theme going and she would also be a shapeshifter because she’s, you know, tied up in this whole mess. And I believe our original meet cute idea was that they were at a support group for shapeshifters.
21:28
ML: And they’re non-sexy shapeshifters Okay, yeah, no one wants to hang out with the werepig, you know, nobody thinks a were-anglerfish is sexy. And–
21:38
UV: yeah. And I thought what would be the silliest thing that also, you know, would be vaguely hilarious and I thought that our heroine had to be a were-sperm whale. And it sounds right it was for us for a while. And partly because, you know, if you’re going for a pun, you can make all kinds of sperm jokes. But how do you get bit by a sperm whale and survive is of course the critical question. And she doesn’t. She’s an archaeologist and she is handling a, I believe, an artifact that’s a knife or something made with a sperm whale tooth and accidentally cuts herself. And it transmits the ancient sperm whale infection. I forgot that part. Yeah, that’s pretty cool. Yeah, so it gets pretty lonely eventually.
22:28
ML: She wants to bite other people just not be.
22:32
UV: Well, it’s really awkward because, you know, you have to be either at the beach on the full moon or really hope like hell, you’re somewhere with a big swimming pool.
22:46
[confusion in chat]
23:25
ML: I’m sure they wouldn’t. But But nobody’s like nobody finds that like, sexy. Well, they’re gonna be in the support group. Yes, absolutely.
23:33
UV: They would. They would totally be in. The were-emu? You know-
23:37
ML: The Border Collie and the spider. Yeah. And then that there’s another thing that got in got in our way. We were both just more interested in writing about the support group than the actual romance we had come up with. Yeah, because immediately Ursula got much more interested in the Border Collie who ran the meeting, of course.
23:59
UV: Well, I didn’t want to write this romance because it’s very hard to you know, that’s that’s you have to be a special sort of person to live with with a border collie. [untellable] So yeah, they have like Moby Dick. very pointy, sharp teeth. Humpback whales have failing. Okay, but what is necromantic shifter, wrong you know, krisitianwriting you’re free to write–yes. We, we encourage you to write your uncharismatic mammal Shapeshifter book.
24:49
ML: Yes. So, I was figuring we needed to talk about this because I mean, we’re both trying to finish a book this week. And the best way to finish a book is to think about another book. Yes,
25:02
UV: Okay. Yes. I think it’s more like to have a deadline you should be working on gets you to work. On the other book. But yes. Okay. So we were going to brainstorm some plot.
25:16
ML: Yes, we were — Premee says [a species of mouse] seem adorable but they boink themselves to death. That’s another evolutionary roadblock I would think.
25:26
UV: Oh Are those the mice that boink themselves to death? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that is a problem. You know, a couple of weasel species do that. The females go into heat and if they don’t get pregnant, they basically stay in heat forever and eventually like, succumb to mass organ failure. And it’s just a miserable way to go. Wow. So anyway,
25:51
ML: [to chat] Okay, everyone’s talking about the worst animals in the world to try to be —
UV: Amoeba shifter fiction? Yeah. Okay, were-octopus I think has been done. There is a cuttlefish erotica book out there which I have not purchased. But I read the reviews saying that it was not enough cuttlefish, it was just an excuse for a big gay orgy in the water and that was fine, but they it needed more cuttlefish action. I believe it was called Someone to Cuttle.
ML: Yeah, I’m putting my pun response in the chat.
UV: I did. That was not my pun.
ML: I know I still have to object to it.
UV: Okay. So, plot! Plot. Yes. Well, we had the the billionaire has come to the meeting. Yes. And you had said something about the discovery that the the sperm whale would be living next door [or] upstairs in the apartment.
27:01
ML: Yeah, we were we were we were both confused in that because I pictured her staying in the same building as him. And that way she would have to be wealthy. We can add conflict if she has the penthouse. He wants the penthouse because he is alpha spanking billionaire male.
27:21
UV: Well, what if he’s trying to be incognito? So he keeps this apartment for the full moon. This is his full moon apartment where he goes to and so it’s in the the the slightly divey-er part of town and, archaeologists are not that you know, there’s no amazing salary for archaeologists, but possibly she’s
27:46
ML: She drives Uber on the side.
27:50
UV: I was thinking that you know, she could she could own the building.
ML: Oh, that’s better. Yeah.
UV: She inherited the building. And that’s why or she’s staying there as the caretaker for a relative who owns the building, and he’s being obnoxious and trying to knock out walls in order to put up his aquarium so that he can survive
28:11
ML: when he doesn’t need a huge aquarium.
28:13
UV: He doesn’t, he just wants one with a little castle. You know, scuba diver with bubbles coming up.
28:23
ML: [laughs] Wow. Yes, yes. He he does need all of that. And so there’s the there’s the rom com conflict there. But then there’s also the woman offshore who is– must have reasons to come ashore because she wants to entice him.
28:43
UV: Well, he’s a billionaire. Once she gets him under her thumb, he will—she would have sought him out specifically to bite so that she can get the million dollars to revitalize her failing offshore Casino. Or perhaps she’s in hock to the mob and she needs the money to pay them off.
29:05
ML: Were female anglerfish have a failing Casino? I don’t see that happening.
29:11
UV: I mean, economic downturns happen to us all.
29:17
ML: Yes… I don’t know. I kind of just see her being rather like
29:20
UV: maybe there was a natural disaster that hit she’s like.
ML: Oh, okay.
UV: Like like a hurricane came up and there’s been a lot of damage and she’s like, I need money. influx of cash now. Okay, where do I get it? She She’s like, I’m gonna, I’m gonna get a billionaire. Billionaire. Yes. [unintelligible] I mean, we can do this one of two ways. Either she attempts to seduce him in his sex dungeon, and bites him in the middle of it or she can just like lie and wait in elevators and then be like, excuse me and then chomp him.
30:08
ML: So here’s here’s a thing that I’ve always–I will admit I have not read a lot of were-fiction, so where do people stand on the if the human bite you it’s still gets transmitted? Is that like a common thing, is that either/or? Not either, or I think everybody agrees when the animal bites you. Animal but because I’m trying to picture like the evil were female angler fish just kind of flopping on the ground. Oh, no, not not very mighty in out of her native habitat.
UV: Well, there’s the
30:50
ML: [to chat] Yeah, beach Wi Fi is bad. I’m sorry, guys. It’s probably on my end.
30:59
UV: If you go with the one where it’s– okay, can you get, let’s say lycanthropy from a blood transfusion. Oh, because if you can get it from a blood transfusion, then you should be able to get it anytime. Because then it’s just your fluid. That it’s just you know, exchange of bodily fluids in the bloodstream.
31:24
ML: But if someone does happen to you’re going–sorry. Yeah.
31:33
UV: I mean, she could just–if she is with the mob, or you know, she could just have two enforcers who, like maybe he’s at the casino or something. And she’s like, hot damn, and maybe she throws a big party just to invite wealthy investors so that she can bite a bunch of them. So they get they’re getting them drunk, and her two thugs are dragging or taking them into the back and sticking you know, here, stick your hand in with the fish.
32:01
ML: No, yes. It’s a manly test.
32:03
UV: Yes. And they’re like, she’s like, oh, yeah, prove it. Prove your your, you know.
32:10
ML: So, um, I thought of a twist, which would just ruin it for everybody. But she’s bitten more than one. Yeah, he doesn’t know this. Yes. And there’s a slightly tiny bit of him that’s that’s hurt that he was not the only one she bit but that’s possibly from
32:32
UV: but that will give us a good save. If when at some point, you know, halfway through or whatever. When he is trying to go it alone and is surrounded by you know, enemy mobsters working for sure. He’s like, Oh, God, I am so screwed. And then suddenly, the guy with the harpoon gun in the scuba gear drops in and is like, you know, get on the jet ski. Who are you? Another one of the victims? Yeah. He’s like, she bit you too. And then he’s comparing himself to the guy with the harpoon who was like, you know,
33:15
ML: see, now I want this to be gay romcom between the guy with the harpoon gun and our billionaire?
33:21
UV: I mean, we could just like cut the cut the sperm whale for a while entirely, I guess.
33:31
ML: I don’t know. We can we can discuss this, but – [to chat] yes, my shirt is– I bought it after I saw the episode of ‘The Good Place’ where Chiti embraces nihilism. And he is walking through an area and all sprinklers turn on and soak him and so all he does is he takes his sweater and shirt off and drops it and leaves it, and as Eleanor calls him in season one, he is surprisingly jacked. And then he just goes to the grocery store and is buying like all the candy he can find and well, it’s like, ‘sir, you can’t you can’t be shirtless here.’ And he’s like, ‘oh,’ and he looks over at this rack of tacky T shirts and he grabs the first one he can find and he pulls it over his head and it’s this one. It’s like super tight because it’s not his size. And he’s like [thumbs up pose] and after I saw that episode, I’m like, Yeah, I need a new Chidi nihilism shirt. Oh, he’s a billionaire who likes to roughing it in the mere millionaire district. Oh, good heavens. Yes. Hello, [username], welcome. Yes, the Wi Fi is not strong here. We apologize. We are currently trying to plot out our where anglerfish rom com because they just—Valerie wants to see [Ursula’s] tattoos closer.
35:05
UV: Oh my tattoos? Oh, yeah. This is a somewhat blurry now….Celtic knot work, that is the word I’m after. It’s been on my body for more than half my life. So it’s easy to forget it. It is a dog, it is Celtic knotwork. This is a salmon and a kingfisher and the Tlingit style and from Pacific Northwest, which is where I grew up. My stepdad was on the Native American Arts Council there and so that is very much the art style I imprinted on in my youth. My stepdad’s Seneca – was – well he’s still that, he’s just dead. I don’t quite know how that works with past tenses. So yeah, that was
36:04
ML: off topic got awkward real fast. Tattoos.
36:07
UV: You got one there. Oh, yeah, this is another one. Yeah, wombat, same style. And they are all they have deep meaning for me, [but] they are deliberately meaningless in Tlingit culture, because I didn’t want to appropriate any there. Touristy kinds of things because I didn’t want to appropriate anyone’s myths, but I am okay with the sort of thing you put on packages of smoked salmon. Yeah, so they are their entirely commercial art kind of thing if that makes sense. Delicious. Yes. And yes, casinos attract patrons with shiny lights. They totally make sense for anglerfish. No it was it was brilliant– to have the the offshore casino thing.
36:54
ML: The problem here is that I know very little about the mob except for when they move their entire family to North Carolina mountains and build up a lot of businesses there after their lives of crime.
37:10
UV: That was oddly specific.
37:12
ML: Yes, that happened. Okay, you don’t know my mob story.
37:19
UV: That’s really cool. Maybe it hasn’t come up.
37:21
ML: I don’t know. I’m just forgetful. I can tell you later. I usually tell it at cons, I guess, that I was worried I accidentally got my old boss killed because they moved in. They had like worked with police, done the thing, and then moved from New Jersey. No, no, [not witness protection] because we knew they were–who they were. And they moved to my hometown and my father was the only one who supported them on some land thing they brought to town council. And so like suddenly we have friends of the family as it were, and they had a lovely Italian restaurant. It was very tasty. And I went there a lot, and then on my last day of work nearby, [unintelligible] It was one of those conversations where I could not point to any one thing, but I think I basically left in tears. It was just he was trying to be kind but sort of like insult my family while telling me how happy he was that I would be coming back up to my little hometown to set everybody right because my family was awful. And so basically I just I just showed up at their restaurant before hours. You know, they knew me, and I came in and I’m in tears and matriarch of the family sits me down (I was a smoker at the time) sits me down, hands me a Lucky. Luckys are not filtered and they’re this long. She hands me a Lucky [and lights it]. She hands it to me and she’s like, ‘honey, who has hurt you?’ And I’m like, ‘oh god, she’s gonna kill Bob!’ [So I said] ‘Just just just bad last day at work, that’s all that’s all Mrs. A. Thank you. You’re very sweet. I’m okay. Best cigarette I’ve ever had.’ So, yeah, that’s, that’s awesome. That’s what I know about the mob. They were always very kind of my family.
39:50
UV: I think we can sort of make up a mob in this case, we’re playing fast and loose with a number of things. So I don’t think that–
40:01
ML: You can’t play fast and loose with [everything]; I’ve been making up all sorts of shit all day. But when it came to wondering if someone in 2046 would have nicotine stained teeth. I was stymied. I didn’t know–
40:16
UV: No, was it a fixed that
40:18
ML: fine, yeah, that’s what the thinking was. Probably still cigarettes, but the whole like teeth whitening thing.
40:24
UV: It’s probably like, you know, like little laser
40:28
ML: [unintelligible] just throwing all sorts of alien tech everywhere but when it came to the nicotine staining teeth I was worried about authenticity.
40:41
UV: It’s It’s the usual thing you know, I when I’m writing a fantasy novel Yeah, we have we have Gods, we have, you know, demons, we have strange monsters, but I will stop and look up what year the combine harvester was invented so that I am not in a, you know, having it too early in technology. Yeah.
41:10
ML: Yeah Can you cure lycanthropy by losing enough blood and getting a transfusion?
41:21
UV: No, because I think your bone marrow is werewolf. Yeah. So I think your your bone marrow is pumping out more stuff. So you would actually need like a, I think, if you were a werewolf who got severe leukemia and got a bone marrow transplant, that might cure it, I will be, I would be willing to say that would cure it, but I think if you have working bone marrow it, it just keeps kicking out lycanthropy.
ML: You know, we have to have a cancer a former cancer patient, visit the support group.
41:57
UV: Oh, and be like, yeah, it’s different now. What if they miss it? Yeah. It’d be like ‘I I need someone to bite me.’
42:10
ML: ‘I used to have so much fun with my friends on the full moon and no one comes around anymore.’
42:16
UV: Yeah. Okay, so So, as plot goes, we have our we have our billionaire who comes to the support group. Our were sperm whale who can be male or female, it’s fine.
ML: Love triangle with the harpoon gun.
42:41
UV: Exactly, exactly. They immediately dislike one another, I suppose, and then it turns out that the billionaire’s man servant is the one taking– his Alfred is taking care of him while he is a were-anglerfish. So he’s setting up the the aquarium and—
ML: Alfred has to figure out where to get wagyu fish flakes.
UV: Exactly. And, and he arranged hiring the beach house so the billionaire doesn’t know who actually is the caretaker of it. And they’re so they’re at the beach house. And he is annoyed because — set of apartments, let’s say, or condos–and he’s annoyed that the person in the penthouse–that he couldn’t get the penthouse suite, and the Alfred is assuring him that this was the only thing that was available on such short notice, because the only way he survived last time was because –or the last full moon when he discovered he was aware anglerfish — was because he was hastily thrown into a bucket with saltwater and Alfred broke into an aquarium supply store. You know, it couldn’t just be a pet store because saltwater fish tanks are are hardcore. Yeah. So he’s like being driven around with in a bucket with sea salt flakes dissolved in it, you know, sort of gasping and Alfred busts into–heroically busts into the, the aquarium supply thing, sees a tank, dumps his boss into it. And the, and then spends the rest of the night trying to keep the lionfish away from his boss with a tiny aquarium net.
44:58
ML: And I don’t–you know, Alfred would try to stop this, but we have to have the scene: the Daryl Hannah, wet and naked on the floor. That’s in the Splash movie. We have to have that scene the next day when the full moon is gone and our billionaire’s nekkid in the aquarium store.
45:16
UV: Yes. And the and then the so it’s so it is an emergency I can only get this house like because the full moon last three nights, right? So it’s like this is the only place there’s available if he runs in they bought up everything in the aquarium store. Alfred is hastily assembling it. And the were-sperm whale comes down is like what is going on in here? Why is there no water pressure? Because he’s filling the tank with you know, 100 gallons of water and it’s like, okay, you can’t have fish tanks or water beds. It’s in the rules, if they break, cause damage to the floors. And yeah. Again, so the and he’s like, Alfred pay the woman. She’s like, you know, I will–Okay, the money is tight. And he’s really angry that he’s trained to just pay her off as if she is a peon. And or he is a peon depending on on whatever and then yes, the once he’s survived the full moon and she can’t do anything during the full moon cuz she’s out at sea. Yeah. And they come back and perhaps he is down on the beach. Staring out at the water at the tantalizing casino there. And again, much like Daryl Hannah only less so, the sperm whale woman comes out of the water and he’s like ‘uhhhhhh.’
47:07
ML: Nice. Yeah. End of Chapter One or first booklet if we’re going Dickens-style.
47:11
UV: Yeah. And then she’s like, ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
47:18
ML: I’m also thinking we need to get like when whoever her trusted human is like during the full moon when their masters are off being wet. Alfred and whoever her person is realize that then go have a cup of coffee.
47:35
UV: Oh, that’s gonna be the chatty best friend who’s like, like she’s got the sassy best friend. We’re not gonna have her have either a sassy black friend or a sassy gay friend because that is wrong. But so the the probably like extremely reliable, but extremely cynical Daria goth type.
47:58
ML: Very unlike Alfred but they get along because they are the secret-the secret holders [chat discussion of anglerfish mating] Look at The Oatmeal and it’s beautifully (ish) illustrated and explained. It was that that made me think maybe that doing-putting a very strong billionaire spanking guy into the position of male anglerfish would be the ultimate comeuppance, so we’ve got–where does the–so wait. One thing I don’t get. Where do these people live normally, because we’re talking about the beach they live at the beach they live near each other like in a Manteo situation or–
48:58
UV: she has to-wherever she was living before, she now basically lives at the beach because caretaking her relative’s beach condo thing, she’s like the live-in caretaker now. She has to live near deep water now because she’s a sperm whale. [pause] Where does the billionaire live normally?
49:24
ML: Actually my real question is where is the support group? Is it at the beach?
UV: Could be at the beach.
ML: There’s probably a wildlife refuge or something that’s that’s good to go. Hang out in.
49:39
UV: Yeah, and and you figure that beach towns with the tourists and whatnot probably have in addition to the usual problems of tourists being terrible, have where were-tourists be, you know…
50:02
ML: [to chat] Oh, gosh, I’m so sorry, guys. Okay, kayquimi says It’s skipping so badly. No idea how we went from Mob threats to the history of the combine.
50:11
UV: Maybe we should quit while we’re ahead.
50:14
ML: Maybe. But yeah, sorry for the the choppy stream and the non focus kind of situation but Ursula and I been very productive and writing and stuff.
50:29
UV: Also, this is usually how brainstorming goes is you know figure this thing out. Okay, figure this other thing out. And so yeah, so if he was rescued by by Harpoon, guy on the jetski he’s like, and obviously the sperm whale is like, ‘wow, he’s hot and also not obnoxious billionaire.’ And were-billionaire’s like, ‘oh man, he’s like, super ripped and shit. Why would anyone want me when there’s super harpoon guy, what do I have but my fabulous wealth? And I used to be confident but now I’m an angler boy but he’s an angler fish too and he’s still confident—man! So the were-anglerfish didn’t even want me! Yeah, he he’s he has a big crisis of faith. In his own hotness,
51:16
ML: (laughs) oh boy. Wow. And, you know, was he ever good at spanking? There’s no way of knowing.
51:22
UV: No, the scene just cuts to him sitting in his sex dungeon in the corner, weeping.
51:29
ML: Holding his paddle. Had anybody ever cared? Or they were just placating him? Yeah, I was paddling them.
51:36
UV: Well, they were only in love with his billions. It’s not you know, with him as person.
51:43
ML: [stream-specific chatty] But yeah, thank you for being on the show. Ursula.
53:02
UV: Of course. I was six feet away.
53:03
ML: Yes, you were. And I still think we need to do like chapbooks. Because I really really want to write the one that’s the support group for all of the friends.
53:16
UV: Oh Friends of Were
53:18
ML: like basically, like the sidekick episode of The Tick. Like the sidekicks. They’ve got the Big Hero lounge with the sidekicks have to go to the shed in the back, kind of thing.
53:30
UV: The Wolverine, the were-wolverine guy comes in just you know, wearing Kevlar, or, or one of those big bite suits they train the dogs on. And they’re just like, ‘yeah…yeah, yeah.’
53:45
ML: Yeah. So we got we got a plan. Now we just need to like, write it. That’s, that’s step two. Yes. Step three is profit. If you can get step two, that would be the amazing. Yes. All right. Thank you guys for being able to see whatever you could, thank you, Ursula. I’m Mur Lafferty. This is I Should Be Writing. You can find me at murverse.com And where can we find you?
54:15
UV: I am Ursula Vernon, aka T. Kingfisher. You can find me online on Twitter as UrsulaV or at Red Wombat Studio.
54:25
ML: Oh, yeah. And you I have a novella out today. Yes, just forgot about it. If you are an Audible member, you can get The Ophelia Project. Oh no. I keep mixing up network and project, I don’t know why. It is a network. Ohphelia Network. It is ‘Blue’s Clues meets 1984’ where a band of rebels use a children’s television show to fight fascism. And yeah, it’s out on Audible today. So I don’t even know if anyone’s hearing this. I should probably put it to chat too. But yes. Okay, so people are at least hearing so yes, yes. Thank you for bearing witness through this extremely laggy [brainstorm] thing. Yes, thank you. And I don’t think I’m going to stream next week. I think I need a break from everything. If I-especially if I finish this book, I’m just going to need to like lay flat. So I might stream some games but I do not have a schedule or anything. So it’s- Oh, the beach weather has improved greatly because obviously you can’t see it because it’s like super bright out there and not bright in here. But besides the fact that we woke up to fog that was thick on a dangerous level. It is all burned off and it’s glorious out there. So if I can get some more words done, maybe I’ll reward myself. [Explain to chat that my new novella, The Ophelia Network, is audio-only exclusive for a year] So come next year, I’ll probably self pub it. But yeah, thank you, Ursula. Thank you, everybody watching [unintelligible to chat] And we’ll see you guys: I’ll be online, I’ll be on the discord. You’ll find me, I’m not like going away-away. I’m just taking a break. [unintelligible to chat or specific to the livestream] Yes, there is the link to the Ophelia Network. If you get it. I hope you like it. I’m nervous. It’s like the first original thing I’ve put out in quite some time. So anyway, I Should be Writing is available to you under Creative Commons Attribution Noncommercial No Derivatives license, music by John Anealio, art by Numbers Ninja, production by Summer Brooks, and hosting by Libsyn. Find all this information and more at Murverse.com. And remember, we can’t do this without you. Thanks for your support.
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May 26, 2022 | Season 18 Ep 42 | murverse.com
ISBW S18 Ep42 “Live from the Beach: Kingfisher and Lafferty Brainstorm“ by Mur Lafferty
is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0
