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Peeking out of the burrow

I recently was looking for news on someone and I went to their blog. There was nothing on there but occasional podcasts. Then I realized that, uh, my own blog is just like that. I haven’t posted anything new in a very long time. I also have been very quiet on Twitter.

Part of the reason why I haven’t posted is depression over the election. I haven’t posted anything regarding that because I have nothing new to say about it that 2.6+ million people haven’t already said. I’m despondent and afraid.

But life goes on. I have to get out of my burrow and keep going and keep creating. So first, a rather lengthy update on me:

Books and other Fictiony things!
Six Wakes and Bookburners (affiliate links) come out next month! Six Wakes received a STARRED REVIEW OMG from Publishers Weekly.

This space-based locked-room murder mystery explores complex technological and moral issues in a way that’s certain to earn it a spot on award ballots.

Bookburners also got some Publishers Weekly love.

The action jumps around the globe, with side trips to other dimensions, while the writing briskly slides between vividly horrific and flippantly camp.

(You can probably guess who wrote the “flippantly camp” episodes.)

And my short story will appear in Star Wars Insider on December 27! “Voices of the Empire” was teased on Del Rey’s facebook page today!

Travel and other travely things!
We recently got back from a big time weekend in New York City for Jim’s birthday where we were hardcore tourists: Empire State Building, ice skating, shopping, restaurants, and the crowning event, seeing Hamilton! I can safely say that if anyone was worried the actors replacing the original cast would be sub-par, there is nothing to worry about. It’s still an amazing show that had us both laughing and crying. It was a thrill to see a handful of original cast members like Okieriete Onaodowan and Jasmine Cephas Jones (not to mention Thayne Jasperson from the ensemble).

Holidays
Fiona and I decided not to do the traditional Advent Calendar video podcast, what with travel for us and homework for her. She’s doing great in high school, though, we are typical crazy proud parents.

We are staying home for Christmas, and I continue to watch made for TV holiday movies so that you don’t have to. I’ll be reviewing them on the site, so long as I can continue to stay above ground close to my burrow.

What else?
Fiona got her braces off. She was pissed off that she needed to re-learn how to play the trumpet again.

Mothership Zeta has decided to go on hiatus and our last magazine before the break will be next month.

In November I remembered how tiring audiobook recording was when I narrated Six Wakes. But it’s done!

I participated in NaNoWriMo last month, and even though I didn’t win, I got farther than I ever had before. I ended at 45000 words, and although some might say “oh, so close!” I still feel pretty damn good about it. With two days left and more narration to do (see above) I knew I wouldn’t make the 7000 words I needed to win. So I ended up at 45K and satisfied.

I quit drinking soda. I’m pretty pissed that I haven’t seen any benefit from it. I hate it when they say “this is so bad for you” and then when you cut it out, nothing happens. Probably something good is going on inside but I can’t tell any difference.

And that’s the news with me. I think I hit most of the important points.

Consuming media

The Hot Doctor subgenre of movie love triangles

(Spoilers for Bridget Jones’s Baby below.)

I wrote about the Hot Doctor a few years ago before my blog shat itself and died, so I’m going to update this theory.

Take a single woman. Usually over 35, mature, having made some mistakes, but now she’s independent. A career woman. Then she encounters two men. One man is any combination of this list: older, unpleasant, ugly, bad with money, downright verbally abusive, withdrawn, unemployed, no sense of humor, initially uninterested in her. The other man (the Hot Doctor) is any combination of this list: gorgeous, younger, wealthy, funny, devoted, with an amazing job, friendly, charming.

Now before someone gets mad at me, I don’t judge someone based on looks or wealth status, I’m just saying that when writers build these guys, they sometimes slap an unattractive face or low economic status on a very unpleasant person. And I’m not talking about the awesome plain looking guy that women ignore until they see “what was in right front of me the whole time.”

The Hot Doctor shows himself to be utterly wonderful and dotes entirely on the heroine. And she ALWAYS chooses the first guy at the end.

Something’s Gotta Give: Diane Keaton falls for Jack Nicholson for reasons I wasn’t really clear on. She chose him over Keanu Reeves. KEANU.

In Sex and the City, Miranda dates cute bartender Steve on and off but he can’t handle her economic status being so different from (read: higher) his. So she finds a Hot Doctor. Enough like her that neither are intimidated, but different enough to make their relationship interesting.

Aside #1- in looking for images for this post, I ran across an article on Cosmo that agreed wholeheartedly with me regarding the Hot Doctor and Miranda. VALIDATION.

Aside #2- Jack Nicholson comes back again in As Good As It Gets which doesn’t have a hot doctor, but does have a woman falling for unpleasant, misogynistic Jack for no fucking apparent reason. If it had a Hot Doctor, he would have been dumped.

Recently I saw Bridget Jones’s Baby, which was a solid, fine romcom. I enjoyed it. But it pulled a Hot Doctor: Patrick Dempsey is a wealthy, charismatic American who is a relationship expert and, according to his successful pairing website, a 96% ideal partner for Bridget. (Mr. Darcy is 8% compatible.) Bridget sleeps with them one week apart and becomes pregnant, unable to figure out who the father is. The movie is about her trying to deal with both of them as the pregnancy progresses.

Hot Doctor-type. He is comfortable and having fun in birthing class, while Firth looks like he is nauseated. — Hot Doctor-type. He is comfortable and having fun in birthing class, while Darcy looks like he is nauseated.

This could have been solved early on with an amniocentesis but she freaks out at the size of the needle and refuses. Now I’ve never had one, and I don’t have a needle phobia, so it’s easy for me to say this, but if there was a social disaster happening with two men waiting to hear about how their impending fatherhood, I’d do the needle thing.

Throughout all this Darcy is uncomfortable and standoffish, and Bridget does list all the things that had been wrong in their relationship when they tried to be together. Patrick Dempsey is funny, charming, and supportive, and hot as hell.* But at the end, she chooses Darcy, and they marry. (He also ends up being the father to the kid, but Bridget does choose him before they know for sure.)

The movie tries to make Dempsey unfitting for her only twice: he lies to Darcy that he has a better chance of being the father (he says they didn’t use a condom, while Bridget’s super-old vegan condom broke with Darcy), and then he gets all American New Agey when she’s in labor, telling her to “breathe through the pain.” She punches him in the nose, and Darcy dryly tells him to breathe through the pain. (Admittedly, that was an awesome line.)

This kind of storytelling is common as hell, and I wonder if it’s Hollywood sending women frequent messages that we should settle. These stories don’t do enough to make the hot doctor-types look bad, and they don’t do enough to make the Other Guy look good (Steve in Sex and the City is the possible exception to this but the Hot Doctor was still better suited to be with Miranda.) I just get confused because these kinds of stories are supposed to be our wish fulfillments, but they dangle the Hot Doctor in front of us and then whip him away and replace him with Jack Nicholson because of Movie Reasons. It’s ridiculous.

Books, Consuming media

Called it. Entitlement, ahoy.

I was walking with Ursula by B&N the other day (who the hell am I kidding, we were playing Pokemon Go) and there was a HUGE ad in the window for the upcoming Harry Potter script. Curious, I looked closer. Yep, it said ‘script.’

“I wonder how many fans will freak the fuck out when they buy this script and find out it’s a script,” I said.

Ursula said probably a lot of them, considering how they reacted when she wrote a book for adults that very obviously didn’t say “Harry Potter” anywhere on the book (except for maybe “Rowling’s other works include Harry Potter” – I don’t know, I didn’t read it.)

Well, we called it. The Telegraph reports today: ‘Rowling, you owe your fans a BOOK!’: Harry Potter fans outraged that Cursed Child script is, in fact, a script.

I’m not the biggest Harry Potter fan. I mean, I enjoyed the books; I read them all. They weren’t the best thing ever; the writing was sometimes weak and full of plot holes (TriWizard Cup, anyone?) that showed the magical world was in fact a hell of a lot more complicated than the muggle world and no one in their right mind would want to live there (nearly every method of travel – broom, floo powder, portkeys – sounds horrible), but Rowling had the knack for creating a world you wanted to fall into. Her imagination is masterful, and her ability to plot (aside from holes) was great. You could see a lot of the plot coming early in the first books, if you paid attention.*

I liked all the books. But I’m not a huge fan.

I was satisfied with seven books. And I knew this book was a script and usually don’t read those for fun. So I decided to pass on it for now.

Now, if I’m not the biggest Harry Potter fan in the world, and I knew this was a script, then how can people who obsess about Harry Potter miss that a play was announced? Did they catch the news that there was ridiculous fussing about Hermione cast as a black woman? That this new publication was a script?

The title of the article is something that enrages me. Rowling owing her fans something. Nothing about the book was hidden. Her name is larger than the other two writers, but it’s not hiding the fact that there are other writers. It says “Script” on the top of the cover. The book clearly says, “Here is a Harry Potter story written by Rowling and friends, in script form. Pay $18 if you want it.”

That’s what she owes you. If you pay your $18, then she owes you a script that she and a few other people wrote. Because that’s what she promised. But what the entitled fans read is: ~~here is a~~ Harry Potter ~~story written by~~ Rowling ~~and friends, in script form. Pay~~ $18 ~~if you want it~~.”

I really think that if your fragile life could be ruined by the release of a book that is something you don’t expect, you should probably research stuff before you buy.

Incidentally, along the same lines, if you think a movie could ruin your childhood, then DON’T SEE IT. (coughGhostbusterscough)**

*Yeah, I got in trouble with a listener who was furious with me for saying that Ron + Hermione was an obvious match from the beginning.

** Ghostbusters was awesome. I’ll write about that later.

Books

Beyoncé Was Right: Madeline Ashby Guest Blog

Madeline Ashby is one of those people who is so damn smart she kind of intimidates me. Luckily she’s very kind and awesome, so I’m delighted to feature her on a guest blog to talk about an aspect of the writer’s life that many find difficult to navigate: money. Watch for an upcoming interview with Madeline on Ditch Diggers, and hear her previous interview on ISBW #316. And THEN get her new book from Tor, Company Town.

Beyoncé Was Right
When I asked if I could write up a blog post in support of my new novel Company Town, our dear hostess asked for a guestblog about the business of writing. So I thought I would tell you all a juicy story about a time that I didn’t get paid, and how I resolved the situation.

First, some background: I’m a science fiction writer and a futurist. What that means is that I write science fiction prototypes for clients who want to know how humans will use their products, platforms, or technologies. Or, alternatively, I write stories about the future of a given thing: like a world without antibiotics, or urban warfare in a smart city, or disaster management, or what have you. It was on the strength of this career that I was asked to write for a publication that was expanding its subject area, and adding a technology vertical to its existing masthead.

Right away, something seemed off. I had to fight for a byline, despite already having my own bylines elsewhere. And, as so often happens, that first impression was dead on. My pitches went ignored. My content management software license took forever to appear. When it did, it was bloatware that crashed my computer — but the editors knew the developers, so there was no other alternative. One simple 350-word assignment was turned back nine separate times, with nine different contradictory edits. After a week without answering any of my emails, they fired me.

Then, for months, they refused to pay me.

Now, I have been very lucky in my career, to work with wonderful clients who value my work. I am truly privileged in that regard. I’ve been invited to board rooms and hard lofts, by startups and industry leaders. With my clients I’ve collated sticky notes, appeared at day zero events, and even taken part in group meditation sessions, and I’ve had great fun doing it. And then I’ve gotten paid. Promptly. So this was a new situation for me. I asked other freelancers how they had handled similar issues, and they told me I should probably wait at least three months before seriously raising the issue.

So, I waited. And waited. And waited. And then I raised the issue with one of my contacts at the company. I raised it again. And again. And again. When emails didn’t work, I called. Week in, week out, I called. When it was clear that my calls weren’t providing the proper motivation, I realized I had to get creative.

With that in mind, I called the publisher’s main office. I explained my situation as plainly and politely as possible. The young woman on the other end of the line was very pleasant, and very sympathetic, and had no idea how to help. “Do you have a payroll department?” I asked.

“Not really,” she said. “We all just get paid by Mr. ______.”

“Mr. ______?”

“Yeah. I think so. It’s his name on the checks, anyway.”

“….Can you spell that for me, please? Thanks so much.”

Mr. ______ turned out to be very accomodating, once I found him on LinkedIn. I explained the situation, and named the people I had dealt with, and the fact that I hadn’t been paid for months. The next day, my money arrived.

What is the moral of this story? First, trust your instincts. The gig was never a good fit for me, and I should have bailed earlier to save myself the stress and to give myself the opportunity move on to something better. Second, you can always go another level higher on the food chain to resolve a problem. Anyone who’s ever worked a service job knows this — “Let me find my manager,” is the most magic phrase there is, aside from “Let me buy you a drink.” Third, and most basic, don’t talk to editors or administratives about missing money. It’s literally not their department. That’s a job for finance, or accounting, or payroll. They’re the ones who process checks. Your editor doesn’t know where your check is. Your editor will ask someone in payroll. So, save yourself and your editor some hassle and ask payroll. That will help preserve your relationship with the editor and it’ll get you your money faster. When in doubt, trust in the wisdom of Beyoncé: Always stay gracious; the best revenge is your paper.

Books, Consuming media

Reading 2015, Goals for 2016

In 2015 I made a goal to read only* women, PoC, and other marginalized voices this year a la the Tempest Challenge.

* well, as many as possible. I couldn’t skip all cis straight white dudes, because I had research to do, (and I decided not to stop reading comics based on the makeup of the creative team, but I did put all of Kelly Sue DeConnick’s and Gail Simone’s indie comics on my pull list and no regrets there!), but I did my best. I tried to keep track via Goodreads, which indicates I read 70 books this year and of those, 53 were written by marginalized voices (as far as I know).

So what for 2016? I will certainly keep my focus on reading marginalized voices (there are several I didn’t get to), but this year I want to focus on a new problem: my TBR pile is just too big. I know that everyone says that, and in some cases it’s almost a matter of pride. But I think I perhaps will actually try to do something about it this year.

So in 2016, I will read only** books that I already own. Ebooks, audio books, and paper books. There are a lot.*** I’ll be keeping track on Goodreads again if you want to keep up (I have over 500 books on my Want To Read list), and I’m still tracking women, people of color, and I may add a GBLQT tag (but it’s admittedly harder to track that – I think the Queers Destroy line might help me make an author list to start with).

** Except for:

Gifts. I will tell my loved ones I’m trying to cut back on book buying, but if given something I won’t say no.
Like 2015, I will purchase research books and accept books for blurbs and interviews.
Comic books
Audiobooks – I have downgraded my monthly credits from 3 to 1. It’s good to have if I need for, say, those research books, etc.
Also I had a moment of weakness and bought a bunch of books today, 12/31. I’m only human.

I think those are my only exceptions. It will be tough. Book shopping a big time retail therapy for me. But this will let me finally read a lot of things I’ve owned for far too long (I’ve had the Gay Talese biography longer than Jim and I have been married), and finally get to talk about certain books I’ve only nodded along about.

Wish me luck.

*** I admit that this may embarrass me – “wait, you haven’t read [IMPORTANT BOOK] yet???” but I must soldier on. Better to read stuff late than not at all.

Consuming media

Review: Christmas Cupid

Another movie review:

This one is… weird. A career-driven Hollywood PR consultant is managing a wild and uncaring young pop star. She’s designing a big Xmas day TV event that has everyone grumbling that they want to be home then. Unfortunately, the party-hard star chokes on an olive and dies. Realizing she has to turn the Xmas day event into a memorial, our PR person is haunted by the star who sticks around to show her three spirits to illustrate her shallow life.

Only… it’s called Christmas Cupid…

But it’s clearly A Christmas Carol…

Whatever.

This movie, not good. And yet I watched it all the way through, the way I wouldn’t have other movies, because for one reason: the Marley/Cupid character, Caitlyn. While Jacob Marley was repentant and remorseful in death, Caitlyn appears to be just like she was when she was alive. She watches with interest as the PR firm plans the spectacle of her funeral, and acts bored when something poignant happens to Sloane, our Scrooge. She is there to help Sloan see the error of her ways, but she does it with the zeal of a teenager mowing the lawn while thinking about the party she’s going to later. It’s actually pretty funny.

Flaws: Lord, everything else. Sloane falls under our cookie cutter bitch label. The whole “the coffee you fetched for me is just the wrong temperature, minion” bitch executive move is officially cliche’ now. It’s like a villain kicking a puppy, and only it’s used for identifying evil corporate women.

Ratings:
Stars: Christina Millan, Jackee
Storytelling: 1/5
Characters: 3/5 (bumped up from 1 because of Marley/Caitlyn and Jackee, who is always funny)
Closeness to Christmas Carol: 11/10 (Come on. Own it, already.)
Feminism: 3/5
Romance: 2/5
Is Christmas Saved?: I don’t even remember. I guess. Do I have to watch it again?
Deadly olives: 1

Books, Consuming media

Review: The Christmas List by Chrissie Manby

I found this novella on Audible while traveling by myself last November and wanted something short and comforting.

Millie Arnold is a young British woman who works in an office, loves Christmas about as much as I do, and loves loves LOVES her man, Duncan.

Seeing as how she starts the book utterly in love, you can guess what happens.

Millie is dumped on November 29th, and the crushing depression (and hangover from Bailey’s and orange liqueur) threatens to ruin Advent. But for the sake of her young nephews, she attends their family December 1 lunch to write letters to Father Christmas with the boys. And wishes start to come true.

Think of it like The Monkey’s Paw, but Christmasy. The wishes are not fulfilled in the way that Millie intended. Nothing dire (well, no one comes back from the dead), but they still aren’t exactly what she wanted. For example, one of her first wishes is for flowers. A week later, three dozen red roses show up at her door. Delighted, she takes them, but finds that not only are they NOT from her ex-boyfriend, they’re not even for her; there’s another woman’s name, an apology, signed “John.” The deliveryman got the address wrong. She calls the florist who urges her to keep the roses since she’s already arranged them.

Later, the way some of the wishes are granted are still far from the realm of intent Millie wanted, even though with her second letter, she tried to word everything very carefully.

This could easily be a book that tanks because, frankly, Millie is a wretched whiner to start out with. But her character is deftly balanced by her doting, but cynical, older sister Cal, who comforts her without coddling her. The florist is an angry agent of fate, determined to fire her deliveryman and punish the guy who bought the roses “He had his secretary order them! Just said to send something appropriate! You keep the roses and I’ll send chrysanthemums and maybe his girlfriend will have another think about him.” Then she goes on a tangent about dogs. And then there is the charming and slightly dorky Mark Clark on the radio, a local DJ and minor celebrity that they listen to at the office.

It also helps that, with the aid of Duncan’s next door neighbor (“I don’t mean to be lookin it’s just that he hasn’t replaced the curtain rod that fell down six months ago!”) and her friend who professes to be psychic (although the one bit of information she had on Duncan came through gossip, not the stars,) Millie does begin to not only get over Duncan but also discover that their relationship wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

Like A Christmas Kiss, this is actually a story about a woman learning her own self-worth first, and finding love second. The love story is pretty minor, coming only at the very end. The climax is surprisingly exciting for an otherwise mundane tale of a broken heart, and the story is set up quite deftly with plenty of foreshadowing.

Flaws: I’d actually prefer this longer. I’d like to see more of Millie’s transformation, and somehow more with the florist. She was a hoot. I actually have no idea how old anyone is, which threw me off a few times.

Ratings:
Stars: N/A (audiobook)
Storytelling: 4/5
Characters: 4/5
Closeness to Christmas Carol: 0
Feminism: 5/5
Romance: 2/5 (this is rating quantity, not quality)
Is Christmas Saved?: Definitely
Number of British car names I didn’t recognize: 3
Random thoughts: This is a Kindle single, so you can get the ebook, but if you like audio I HIGHLY recommend the Audible version, as the narrator is excellent with her different accents.

Consuming media

Review: 12 Dates of Christmas

12dates Here we go with another movie review:

One of my favorite romcoms. It edges out A Christmas Kiss, even.

This is our first “magic of Christmas” story. Kate is a woman hung up on her ex-boyfriend. She has a blind date for Christmas Eve, though: her step-mother’s (“-‘lady friend.’ They’re only married in the eyes of the law.”) godson, Miles. Before the date, she shops for the ex-boyfriend (nothing says love like cashmere) and is knocked out by a perfume sample spray.

She gets up, manages to be a distracted, rude ass on the (short) date with Miles, meets up with the ex (who is bringing her the dog they apparently share custody of), and discovers he’s heading to The Cabin with a new woman. Devastated she goes back home and at midnight, the clocks turn back and suddenly it’s Christmas Eve again and she’s getting up from being sprayed with perfume.

So, you think, this is a Groundhog Day-like story about how she lives each day over and over again to get over the ex and hook up with the blind date, right? You are only a tiny bit right. This story is very clever the way it interweaves small plots: everyone has a story, from the next door neighbor giving Kate a cherry-chip-loaf to the schlubby guy who looks up hopefully and says, “Phyllis?” every time she goes to the bar for her blind date. (“No, I’m not Phyllis. Phyllis is never coming!” she cries at him several days in.) There’s a guy building a tacky sculpture of Christmas lights. There’s a lonely older gentleman who helps her up after she falls in the mall. She has to mend things with her step-mom. Her best friend is also lonely. There’s EVEN A LOST ORPHAN BOY. AND TWO DOGS. Kate is responsible for tweaking everyone’s situation to make things work out.

When the woman successfully gets the guy in the first third of the movie (I think it’s Day 4 or 5?), you can wonder what’s left to tell. But this movie is incredibly clever at showing that there is more to your life than love, and you touch many lives with small actions. (also in future days she messes things up with him, proving she hasn’t found the “right” way to win him.)

With her actions helping out so many others, it’s almost as if she’s Santa, but no movie would be so subtle as to let you assume that without slamming you over the head with it over and over and over again.

There is also the requisite “This isn’t real, so I can do anything I want to” scene, with a tattoo, doughnuts, fancy car, and shopping for fur – and then giving the fur to a homeless woman. Also we have the “help me, doc, I’ve gone crazy” scene.

I think I have less to say about this movie than the others, because it’s rich with sub-plots and I don’t want to ruin them. I can’t ruin the HEA- you know it’s coming. But there’s a lot of surprising depth to this made-for-TV-movie and it’s highly worth watching. Also she isn’t locked into doing the same things every day. Some days she doesn’t even go to meet Miles. One day she shows up early, sees him arrive early too, and they “meet” as strangers (no names) and she finds out she likes him when they don’t have the “BLIND DATE” weight hanging over them.

My favorite use of the repeated days has nothing to do with the love story. She finds a runaway, recognizes him, and he runs from her. She can’t catch him in her current clothes so she stops, frowns, and says, “let’s try that again.” Then we cut to the next repeat where she hasn’t fretted about the date or the ex at all, but she’s in a track suit and appropriately dressed to run after the kid.

Flaws: A few people (mostly people of color) in the movie deserved bigger roles. I would have loved to see side plots featuring the woman who sprays Kate with the cologne, and the guy who hits on her friend at the office party in the first scene.

I think this is a rare “(wo)man vs (wo)man” Christmas plot. No one is working against Kate, except she has to learn to change. She’s not even Scrooge-level selfish and needs to think of others. I think she’s more of an Everywoman because we all struggle against change and often just need to open our eyes a little wider.

Ratings:
Stars: None that I recognized
Storytelling: 4/5
Characters: 4/5
Closeness to Christmas Carol: 0
Feminism: 5/5
Romance: 5/5
Is Christmas Saved?: Yes!
Tattoos received: 1
Donuts eaten: 6
Makeovers: 2

Consuming media

Review: Marry Me For Christmas

Another review, another spoiler or two:

Marci is a high powered ad exec whose cousin begs her to come home for Christmas before she (cousin) goes off on a 5 year mission. It is… unclear why Marci won’t come home aside from being Very Busy. Apparently she loves her family. She relents and asks her employee, hunky Adam (what is it with this name?) to come with her to continue their Very Busy work, paying his airfare and doubling his Xmas bonus.

When they get home, the family (at least the female side, known as the “Chandler Women” – a title I seriously lost count of how many times they used it) barrages them with so many questions, demanding so much information about their relationship, that Adam blurts out that they are getting married. Everyone is delighted and Adam and Marci agree to pretend to be married in order to keep the holidays pleasant. After a casual suggestion from an aunt (ONE OF THE CHANDLER WOMEN) Adam realizes that if he marries Marci, he could become a partner in her growing business. So we see him call an unidentified person and talk about how he’s going to set this up to become her partner.

Enter Blair, also hunky, next door neighbor, childhood nemesis, and good friend of the family (not Marci tho). He is very clearly still in the hair-pulling stage of being in love with Marci, and is dating another woman who has one side: queen bitch. Seriously, writers. We know they’re the rivals, but at least show us a reason why romance target dude is with her in the first place! I mean, this woman arrives as Blair’s date to a big dinner at Marci’s family’s house, looks at Marci, and calls her “Mousy.” Who does that? With the target’s whole family watching? And what family would allow her woman to break bread at their table after that? Remember, writers. Successful evil characters are subtle. They don’t call names.

Regardless, the CHANDLER WOMEN and the men have their teasing and their adventures and they’re clearly one big happy family, except for Mom, who’s showing signs of a blood draw and limping a little. But don’t worry about her, she’s just glad her baby is home.

Marci discovers that the big client she’s trying to land is actually scum, and Blair is representing the whistleblowers in court. Adam presses to keep the client, Marci has to Make The Right Decision. Adam leaves in a huff.

As for tension, there’s not much. Even when Adam leaves (stealing a peach cobbler in the process, again, what is the logic here? Do you think you can eat that whole thing on the way to the airport? Do you think you can take that with you on the plane? Your spite is stupid, Adam.) it doesn’t feel that tense. When Blair and Marci declare their love, it’s not that tense. But it’s a tolerable movie. I could watch it, and there are some that can’t pass that test.

Flaws: HOLY SHIT WALMART PAID A BUCKETFUL OF MONEY TO SPONSOR THIS MOVIE. They had Wal-Mart shopping bags, they talked about Christmas shopping there, when the family went to get a tree, Adam asked why they just didn’t go get one at Wal-Mart. Stop hitting us over the head with it. Character-wise, while Blair’s girlfriend (I can’t even remember her name, and her character isn’t worth the effort to look it up) was another cardboard bitch, antagonist Adam was interesting with different facets ultimately showing a rotten mercenary underside.

This movie did do two things I didn’t expect: While the career-woman lost her big client because she had to do the right thing, and she got together with the boy next door, she didn’t necessarily give up her job as an ad exec. It was very clear that she had found what she was good at and loved doing it. Also, and I’ll leave this one thing unspoiled, the sub-sub plot about the Mom’s health was an honest surprise.

Ratings:
Stars: No one I recognized, although one woman did look like Jackee, but was too young.
Storytelling: 3/5
Characters: 3/5
Closeness to Christmas Carol: 0
Feminism: 4/5
Romance: 3/5
Is Christmas Saved?: I guess. Was it ever threatened?
Wal-Mart References: 5
“The Chandler Women” References: Let’s just say in drinking game terms, you’d be dead.

Consuming media

Review: A Christmas Kiss

Here is the first review, there may be swear words, there may be spoilers:

Made for TV, featuring a girl who is super focused on career, this seems like it might be a nightmare. However it’s become one of my favorite Christmas romcoms.

This poster is kind of a big fat spoiler. I mean, yeah, it’s a romcom, but Wendy never wears a wedding dress in the movie. Note: if you’re viewing on Netflix this isn’t the same poster you’ll see.

Wendy is a young woman who has landed the dream job for a hot Boston designer. Her boss is the best designer in town, but is a hardass who asks her to do everything from clean her apartment to turn on the heat at her apartment on a Saturday night before she (boss) gets home.

Wendy’s friends work in the theater where she used to build sets, and one night they dress her up in glitter and fancy dress to go to a party. She stops by her boss’s apartment to turn the heat on, and on the way down from the apartment, a chiseled man gets on the elevator with her. There’s a hiccup with the mechanism and the elevator begins to fall. They stumble into each others’ arms and, in a heat of the moment, a we-might-die-in-a-second passion, they kiss. The elevator slows and gets to the first floor (obv. or else it would be a real short movie) and when the doors open, a big group of carolers are outside. Instead of politely letting them off, the carolers (while singing) barge onto the elevator (breaching all kinds of etiquette: rude!), and Wendy rushes off.

The next day, her boss introduces her to her boyfriend, and Wendy, who is unglittered and in sensible clothing, is shocked to realize it’s her stranger from last night, and further shocked into dismay that he doesn’t recognize her at all. (It’s the glasses. Always the fucking glasses.)

Evil boss Priscilla says they must decorate Adam (chiseled boyfriend)’s house for a Christmas party (that — pst — will become engagement party if Priscilla has her way) After one conversation with him, Wendy comes up with a perfect design to fit his house and personality, and Priscilla says it’s crap. Adam hates Priscilla’s design and then she shows Wendy’s taking credit for it. He loves it.

Adam has a scene with someone in the theater, saying he was questioning the relationship with Priscilla, and feeling very guilty for the kiss with the mysterious stranger, but when he saw the designs he realizes she knows him well and is the woman for him.

Then Wendy’s friend breaks Priscilla’s nose and she flees to New York where apparently they have magic plastic surgeons to make bruising go away. Wendy now has to decorate Adam’s house all by herself, spending time with him and bonding in the process. They even eat figgy pudding together (apparently it’s believably foul) and go Christmas tree shopping.

Then Priscilla comes back, there is drama, there is a Christmas Eve showing of the Nutcracker, and true love conquers.

Flaws: Priscilla is a flat, cardboard bitch. She has no depth, nothing redeeming: she treats Wendy like shit and her one goal is to trick Adam into marriage because they are both high society and attractive. We see nothing else to her, nothing sympathetic or redeeming. Adam is strange: a poor little rich boy whose grandmother was apparently poor (she spent all her money to buy him an early edition of A Christmas Carol) even though his family was crazy rich, and he apparently loves Christmas but has never seen a Christmas movie. And he says the words “true meaning of Christmas” unironically, which only Linus Van Pelt is allowed to do.

But what I love about this movie is Wendy. While it’s called Christmas Kiss, and the movie does focus on her falling in love with Adam, the movie is really about her getting the strength to stand up to her boss and learn that she doesn’t need a powerful designer to aid her career because she’s already damn talented. The romance payoff (Come on, it’s a romcom, you know you’re going to get a HEA) comes after the climax, after she has made her decision to wash her hands of the whole world of high society designers and the stupid men who can’t tell the difference between a woman covered in glitter without glasses and one dressed for work. Also how could he not figure out Priscilla stole the designs for his party?

This features a woman who starts out focused on her career and the Christmas lesson she learns is that she doesn’t need anyone else to succeed. The love is a nice side bit, but it has nothing to do with her leaving her career to focus on family. Rawk.

Ratings:
Stars: That cop from Angel and a model who was in Roswell and CSI Miami.
Storytelling: 4/5
Characters: 2/5
Closeness to Christmas Carol: 0
Feminism: 5/5
Romance: 4/5
Is Christmas Saved? Yes
Broken Noses Magically Fixed: 1