Friends Fanfic. Yeah. I went there.

I’m sick. My week has been focused on (not in this order): phlegm, napping, page proof edits of Six Wakes, Steven Universe bingeing,  and making sure my kid gets to and from her new high school with her fractured ankle, which she broke on the second day of school.

It’s been an eventful two weeks.

I’ve been toying with a creative idea I wanted to play with, and I’ve been hesitating, because a) I have little courage, b) I know “Friends” is problematic and… c) yeah, it’s uncool to talk about liking “Friends” when you’re around the SF community.

But I’m sick. And my fucks to give are focused on phlegm and my kid’s ankle and really wanting a Peridot/Lapis buddy cop spinoff, and I really don’t care what people think of my “Friends” fanfic. So let’s go.

The thinking behind this is that several storylines seemed to uncomfortably jam the six friends into situations where all of them are rather unnecessary. Especially in regards to Carol and Susan’s life. So I’m giving you Carol Willick’s blog – she was rather forward thinking in making a web page and journal in 1994:

Date: September 22, 1994
Status: Confused

I’m starting this journal to keep track of everything, since my life has taken a number of, well, crazy turns in the past few weeks.

Those of you close to me will know that I have asked my husband, Ross, for a divorce. I care deeply for him, but I couldn’t live a lie anymore. What most of you don’t know is: I’m a lesbian, and I’ve been fighting it my whole life. It wasn’t until I met Susan that I felt comfortable facing that part of myself and stuff.

Left husband! Came out of the closet! Moved in with lesbian lover! If that wasn’t enough, before Ross and I split we had a “one last time” evening, and of course I got pregnant! But the good news is, when you leave your husband for a woman and then find out you’re pregnant, you don’t need to wonder who the father is! … I know. Tacky. I’m trying very hard to keep a light mood on this. I had hoped to cut Ross out of my life for at least the near future so we both could heal, and now it looks like we’re tied together for the rest of our lives.

Let’s be honest here. I don’t necessarily want to cut Ross out of my life. But one of the biggest reliefs that I have is that cutting Ross out means I’m cutting out the four friends that are attached at the hip with him. When we had a dinner party for people at my work, we had to invite all four of his friends. Holidays in the city always featured all of them. Any free time he had, he was at the coffee shop with them.

Ross didn’t “turn me gay” but I do know that I probably wouldn’t have spent all that time at the gym and as a result met Susan if he’d spent a little more time with me.

Never mind. Thanks, Ross’s friends, for encouraging me to find the love of my life.

And oh god, this little thing inside me. What will we call it?

Date: May 13, 1995
Status: Sooooo tired…

Are you tired of baby pictures yet? I know I’m not! Susan is in the bedroom feeding Ben while I relax after a hot shower. She’s giving me some time because I need to work through some stuff about the birth.

Them. He brought all of them to my labor room. All five of his friends – yeah, there’s a new one! – and one of them all dressed up to flirt with my OB. My parents wouldn’t be there, since they’re still mad about the whole lesbian thing. But I am pretty sure I would have been fine with just the father and my partner, not the father’s five best friends.

Why does he do this?

Joey, the obnoxious flirt, found some other laboring woman to bother, which was a blessing (where was security?). I felt sorry for her, but listen, girlfriend, I had to deal with the other four, so count yourself lucky. My ex-sister-in-law did nothing but moan and cry about how she doesn’t have a baby – it’s all about her, all the time, even while my vagina is being stretched to the size of a bowling ball. The newest addition to the sticky ball of co-dependency, Rachel, was trying to get herself knocked up by my doctor. I didn’t see much of Chandler, which was good. At the first quip about labor pains, I was going to punch him in the kidney.

Apparently Ross had already paid Phoebe to stop playing her guitar. He had that much awareness, at least, knowing how much I hate her music. If you can call it that. But then she crawled into the ductwork and spied on us after the birth. Can you believe that? My nurse called hospital security and got her thrown out, which made Ross so mad he left with the others. They can’t be separated. I wonder if they’re in a cult.

My nurse was an angel. She kept all of them out during the actual delivery. Unfortunately, she told me she’s thinking of quitting and becoming a talent agent.

Date: January 30, 1996
Status: Married Bliss

Thanks for all the comments on our wedding photos! I’m sorry some of you couldn’t be there, but so glad you got to see the photos and the videos.

And yes, because you asked, I will answer with the truth: I couldn’t invite some of you because I had to give my ex-husband, Ross, a plus FIVE to his invitation. He wouldn’t accept anything less. He was great to talk to about my pre-wedding jitters, but I nearly slugged him when I found out he expected Monica, my ex-sister-in-law, to push our baby down the aisle. Not any of my friends or family, at my wedding. Nope. And Ross had to bring the other four friends, whose names I can’t even remember right now (scrolls back in the blog – oh yeah, Joey, Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel) PLUS Rachel’s mother, who I don’t even know. Why did she have to come? Even if visiting from out of town, she could have stayed at home for a few hours, right?

To answer another FAQ, yes, the woman who interrupted the wedding is always like that. Just be glad she didn’t break into song.

To anyone that the guys hit on at the reception, I’m so sorry. Even when they know that they are surrounded by lesbians, they still have to assert that they’re men with NEEDS.

But it’s over. My memories of that night are 90% perfect and that’s what I’m taking forward. For now I am Carol Willick-Bunch and that’s made me happier than anything.

Date: September 30, 2001
Status: Furious

I admit it, I was spiteful when Monica, my ex-sister-in-law got engaged. I asked Ross if I could be invited and bring several of my friends. He didn’t understand.

But aside from spite, I’m going to be telling Ross he can’t see Ben as often anymore. If he resists, I’m going to court. Take the following facts: Ben was not invited to be in his aunt’s wedding. She insisted on pushing him down the aisle for our wedding, but didn’t even include him in her own.

Ross took Ben to attend, and then let him wander around without a chaperone while he helped the wedding party.

He sat beside Ben the whole night and flirted with a woman and danced with all the little girls, ignoring his son entirely.

Once done with the dancing, his feet hurt so much that he called and said I had to come pick up Ben. Once he remembered his son was even there.

He is such a loser.

Date: October 5, 2001
Status: Patriotic

A lot of things have been put into perspective the past few weeks. I’m not taking custody away from Ross. Life is too short.

Date: October 6, 2001
Status: Shocked

Ross got Rachel pregnant? Just wandering around knocking up women, I guess. Good luck, Rachel. At least you’ll know all the people in your labor room.

Date: September 11, 2002
Status: Wondering

I’m looking back on this blog with the typical nostalgia of the past difficult year. Ross hasn’t been around much. Ben misses his dad, but that doesn’t seem to matter. I just realized Rachel should have had their baby by now, I should get in touch with him to bring Ben by to meet his new brother/sister.

Date: July 24, 2008
Status: Learning WordPress

Ross who?

Introduced Ben to his new therapist today.

by Mur

Herself who runneth this site.

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