On MILF
I’m going to be crass in this blog post. It’s called for.
Let’s say a guy sees a pretty woman. He thinks, “I sure would like to fuck her.” This is not a conscious thought that keeps marital status, societal rules, or the other person’s preference in mind. It’s the lizard brain – fight, flight, or fuck. Women do it too. People see someone and our first subconscious thought is, “Can I fuck it?” (pretty much determining gender, depending on your sexuality.) Second is, “would I want to?” (OK, I think science has proved the first one, not sure about the second.)
However, society has told us that there are ways we can deal with this. There’s, “I would like to fuck you.” Or, “Nice tits.” Or, “You look nice today.” As our culture has evolved, the last comment has turned out to be the one that gets the best reactions and least violence.
Then the movie American Pie came along, which chronicled four young men and their desires to fuck before graduation. It was an interesting movie, actually pretty well told, but it got most of its attention for having unbelievably crass humor. The boy fucking the pie, or later having his first horrific sexual experience that ended in two premature ejaculations end up online. But perhaps the most prevailing pop culture stamp to come out of American Pie is the term MILF.
Mom. I’d. Like. to. Fuck.
It’s there in the title, the return to the lizard brain, the base, crass answer to the second question – “I can fuck it and I’d want to.” MILF is now used most often to essentially tell Hollywood women, “You’re still pretty after having a baby, don’t worry.” But I think people forget what it actually means. It means, “I want to fuck this person.” Literally. No hinting about it.
See, complimenting is fine. Hinting is fine. Even amusing (such as saying, “You’re a lucky man/woman,” usually really means, “I want to fuck your spouse”). But MILF just says it outright.
What’s weird is in today’s culture, it’s considered, oh, a bit rude to go up to most strangers and say, “I’d like to fuck you.” Hell, it’s considered rude to go up to your friends and say, “Gee I’d like to fuck you,” unless you are looking to take your relationship to another level. (And even then, one might want something a bit more eloquent.) So why is the term MILF just fine, and in some people’s minds, considered a compliment?
There is a reason we don’t walk into a restaurant and grunt, “WANT FOOD.” The same reason we don’t usually react with considerably physical violence when angry, or run screaming from something that gives us a momentary fright. We’ve evolved: When hungry, we are civilized and communicate with more words and fewer demands. When angry we try to calm down and deal with a tense situation with logic or at least angry words instead of violence. And when scared we let our logical minds calculate the odds we will actually be harmed. Sure, we may fail. But whenever someone is screaming and demanding in a restaurant, or reacts to anger with violence, or freaks out at a small fright, we look down on them, sometimes even considering them animalistic in giving into their id responses.
I’m seeing MILF as being a return to the lizard brain, something akin to saying, “WANT FUCK WO-MAN.” I find it really creepy when someone flat out says they want to fuck me. People believe MILF to mean, “A pretty mom.” A compliment. But that’s not what it means. The F is right there. It stands for fuck. And when you say it just in general, it’s funny. When you say it directly to someone, thinking “MILF” cushions the fact you are saying you want to stick your dick in them, it’s not so funny. Pretty fucking creepy, actually.
Remember that. If your lizard brain tells you that someone is fuckable, perhaps it may be best to just tell them they look nice.
Category: Personal
Language is language, I agree that someone saying they want to fuck you can be creepy and intimidating, but people need to get over it and look at the words for the context they are used in. Someone calls you a MILF be happy that they are not calling you something else. I get called allot of things and cannot seem to care so as a writer why do you care if people use certain language, the sue of ignorant language makes the user ignorant it is the terminology at fault.
I think this is the strongest argument against “popular usage” that anyone can make.
Stanly, as a writer I care very much how people use language. It’s how we communicate.
And saying I should be happy that they’re not saying something else is like telling me I should be happy someone punched me in the stomach instead of the face.
I take it back. Stanly’s comment is the strongest argument against “popular usage” anyone can make.
English (and, I’m sure other langauges) is full of examples of words that were once dirty and now aren’t and vice versa. I think probably my favorite example is the word “vagina.” But we’re way, way too close to the origin of the term MILF for people to blithely use it and think people won’t get its literal meaning. We still capitalize it as an acronym, for chrissakes!
Just as an additional note, I’m also hearing people forget what the “M” stands for, too. MILF seems to be used a lot lately just to mean “attractive woman in her late 20s or early 30s,” regardless of her offspring-bearing status. *sigh*
Thanks for this rant! I actually find the term MILF offensive for exactly the reasons you lay out here. And you know me… I am extremely open-minded and a bit perverted, so saying that something offends me is pretty rare. As usual, you say it far better than I could have!
And the word ‘gay’ doesn’t really mean homosexual, yet it has been co-opted to do so. Even further, ‘gay’ has been co-opted to mean something is stupid or not cool.
MILF has moved into that same category. Calling someone a MILF is now really more of a slang way to say someone is ‘Hot,’ ‘Sexy,’ or ‘Foxy’ even. You are still stuck on the literal interpretation because it has the word ‘fuck’ in it. Hot, Sexy and Foxy all carry the same connotation, but they don’t have the word literally in them, but they truly do mean the same thing. MILF is only different in the sense that it can be applied to women who have given birth.
Compliments on physical appearance all have at their core, the subtext that sexual contact of some sort is desired. Does the fact that MILF is more direct disturb you?
Sex pervades us. Many people attach sexual comments or intonations to other things. Some peopel refer to certain foods as ‘orgasms on a plate’ for example, which when read literally, is also kinda creepy, and maybe even gross.
I have met people who honestly don’t know precisely what MILF stands for, beyond it being some sort of “compliment to attractive mothers.” This is clearly no excuse, as if someone is going to incorporate a word or acronym into their communication, it’s rather important to know what it means… and what connotations it might have to others. It’s entirely possible that there are some people in the world who would consider being called a MILF to be an egoboost or a compliment (and I fear for their health on multiple levels), but to somehow think that most women wouldn’t be insulted by the phrase suggests a complete disconnect from social norms.
That last bit is important, because of two things: words and the social context of words changes over time, and our Amero-centric culture tends to forget that in different cultures, words already have completely different contexts – jumping across the pond to the UK to see the ease at which the most epic of demonized words in the US, cunt, is thrown around is a prime example.
In any case, it all comes back to the point you make – while by saying MILF someone doesn’t use the actual word fuck, not to recognize that at this point in American culture, that phrase is crass and insulting is true stupidity of the highest order.
Fuckers.
@Stanly – I’m not sure you read the same post I did. If Mur had a problem with the word fuck in terms of language, she wouldn’t have used it so many times in the above. The problem is, like you yourself said, the context.
@Matt – Fuck yes!
@Jason – Fuck yes!
Even if a woman was the very definition of a MILF, that’s hardly what I’d call a good opening line or compliment. Further, if that in fact is how you approach a woman you’d like to be with, then it’s little surprise you’re still single.
I don’t buy it. An acronym (or initialism, the difference being whether it’s pronounced as a word or not) gradually loses the meaning of the words it stands for. It goes from an abbreviation backed by words to a word in and of itself, where what it abbreviates becomes trivia. PIN is getting there. Most of us remember that PIN stands for Personal Identification Number, but lots of people say “PIN number,” indicating that they have forgotten what the last letter stands for. ATM is at the same place. RSVP is a bit farther along the path, but since it isn’t pronounced as a word people generally remember that it stands for something, and some even remember that it stands for a French phrase. LASER and RADAR are pretty firmly in the column of words that used to be acronyms, but the original words are trivia and many people don’t realize there are any original words to know.
For now, we still remember that the F at the end of MILF stands for “fuck,” but I wouldn’t bet on that lasting for more than a decade or two. “MILF” will mean nothing more than an attractive woman past college age by then. Consider the word “sexy” — it has “sex” right in it, yet we feel no qualms about applying it to friends, strangers, even cars and electronics. You can argue that “MILF” isn’t there yet in the mainstream, but I’m going to call being disturbed by the term coming from someone who is just ahead of the inevitable curve (and is using it in innocently — all bets are off if the guy is creepy in other ways) an overreaction.
Fuck yes!
@Hussman – I completely disagree in that neither “gay” nor “MILF” has moved into that category for the bulk of American society. In certain groups, certainly yes, but not on a “popular” level. My job in particular affords me the opportunity to interact with many people of different sexual identities who would find both of the above rage-inducingly offensive. I also get to work with a particular segment of the population who consider the word “gay” to be a vile insult, and use it with that intent.
We may someday get there, but we’re not there yet.
Wow. People use that as a compliment?
…
I mean, it’s one thing when people are talking about celebrities they’d like to have sex with and say, “Johnny Depp is a DILF,” but… someone would actually call someone a MILF to their face? That’s… awkward, to say the least.
Cmarrrr’s point reminds me (in a good way) of what I assumed was the point of the whole stupid rant by the Clerks 2 character Randall Graves on “taking back the term porch monkey”.
Everything I was going to say has already been said and a lot better then I could have anyway.
Personally, I’ve yet to hear it used directly to the person being described. That to me would be a breach of etiquette if not basic politeness. Normally such comments are shared with one’s friends. I’m curious as to your reaction/response to the person who may have been trying to tell you that it would be dangerous for you to be in the frozen foods section of a supermarket because, “You could melt all this stuff.”
mur, this is brilliant.
the defense of ignorance and disrespect astounds me. we should all be personally responsible for the words we use and the message we send. if it offends someone unintentionally, why would we want to do it again? oh, because it is socially acceptable? or wait, maybe it is not socially acceptable, but we just don’t want to be held accountable? so, instead of listen (and perhaps apologize or reflect), the offended person is blamed and insensitivity and ignorance is perpetuated. great idea, right?
At a kind of gut level I’m all for clear language that is uncompromisingly straightforward, that would be the lizard brain that Mur mentioned.
In practice, however, I consider thoughtful expression with sensitivity to context and audience the fullest expression of discourse. It is only with an understanding of the ears on which your words fall that you can effectively convey meaning and purpose. It’s definitely uneven ground when you use words and phrases the are at the fucking edge of the acceptance of the god-damned repressed society we live in.
Getting back on subject. I recently heard a 17 year old refer to her friends’ father as a DILF. While I’m sure he could potentially find that demeaning (or at least frustrating), she probably meant it as a complement.
Is that creepy? Or just a symptom of society’s double standards.
@Cmaaarrr – Even if I accept the argument that MILF hasn’t moved into that category, can you seriously say that ‘gay’ has not?
Are you exposed to any popular culture? If this Ad Council spot doesn’t point out the fact that ‘gay’ has moved beyond ‘happy’ or ‘homosexual’ I’m not sure what would convince you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEpBYKOs3ys&feature=fvw
Unless, of course, that’s not what you meant.
Mind you, I’m not speaking to the offensiveness of it, but talking more about how words change, and lose, their original intent/meaning over time.
I agree with Mur and Matt Wallace and Cmaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrr(!) and others. I’m kind of horrified to hear that anybody would use that to someone’s face. Personally, I think it’s horribly crass to refer to anyone as a MILF in any context, but it is indeed creepy to say it right to someone.
“MILF” is also not at all equivalent to “hot”, “sexy” and so on in that someone can use the words “hot” or “sexy” to express an appreciation of the attractiveness of someone but NOT want to ‘have’ them. The fact that I’m married doesn’t mean I’m entirely blind, but it does mean that I would not want someone other than my wife regardless of whether they are hot/sexy or not. “MILF”, on the other hand, is a direct statement that you DO want to do things to the person you are applying it to. Thus, it is not, in fact, the same thing.
In my eyes, it seems the people who would call someone a MILF to their face would also say “I want to fuck you” to their face….or in the face. You get the point.
For better or worse, it always seems as if phrases come and go in modern culture. And often times, the phrases used are either non-sensical (Bling), or are phrases used in everyday language that have been twisted into something else entirely (“He’s such a knob!”).
While I see and understand your point about breaking down MILF and examining what it means at a base level, I also think you might be reading a little bit too much into it. Yes, there is that bracket of thinking that truly means it literally. Others simply do mean to use it in complimentary manner. These folks have not likely given a whole lot of thought to its literal meaning after breaking it down.
In the long run, I don’t think it’s much to worry about. Like most generational phrasing, its usage will pass in time, and will likely be replaced with something even more annoying. Such is life.
It’s late afternoon, I’m low on coffee, and I don’t think that even my lizard brain is functioning or capable of making any sense. I will say this:
1) Mur, I think you should record this–fantastic post.
2) In response to Icepick, I’d probably take DILF as a compliment–at least more so than Dad Ass. Although, it’s a little too close to “Dill” (see there’s the lizard brain).
I first became aware of the term MILF my first Summer as a camp counselor–the verbiage was as standard as “dodgeball” or “whistle.” I’m sure I even used the term–purely in a scholarly manner, of course. (insert chin rubbing “Ah, MILF–yes. I can see why you would say such a thing, friend). I never said anything along the lines of “Johnny Smith’s mom is a MILF.”
Or maybe I did.
I think most of us boys grow up and create a situation where we are fortunate enough to have a MILF who puts up with our wonderful and occasionally lizard-brained behavior. We’re even able to look back and marvel that we actual used a term like MILF in conversation. But, if we think back–really think–we probably even used the term “dudicle.”
That really makes me cringe.
#endabsentramblingafternoonthoughtsandconfusednostalgia#
I personally do not believe in “bad” or “offensive” language, I believe in the creation of terminology for the purpose of being rude, offensive, or down right mean. Words have been created to simply describe the world around us and how we perceive it, what is offensive to you may not be to me, it is context, it is the way the word is used, and it is above all why the word was created and by whom.
Point being I could care less what is said, elitist is now a bad term, meaning if you go to college and are educated you automatically want teh world to be run by the elite, when elite used to mean A group or class of persons enjoying superior intellectual or social or economic status.
Faggot, in the UK means cigarette, it used to mean a bundle of sticks, now it is a derogatory term for a homosexual man.
Ass, it is a donkey, it has come to mean either someones butt or a person being obnoxious and unruly.
These words all have positive and negative meanings like all words, look how easily we call someone a fascist or a nazi, those words hold strongly negative meanings behind them, yet today are thrown around care free to mean a rigid person who believes his views are the only views that matter.
Getting upset about a term that originated in the movie American Pie is like being offended by an article in MAD Magazine.
I prefer free speech. If someone wants to be crass and use uncouth language, they should be free to do so. And recipients should be free to tolerate, ignore or dismiss that individual because of their choices and interactions.
However, I feel that MILF is a loaded term/label (keep in mind, I still feel that individuals have the freedom to use loaded terms and labels, they just raise the chances that they will be ignored or dismissed).
MILF is loaded, as it is a underhanded compliment. The term implies that if the recipient wasn’t a mother, the individual wouldn’t find the recipient as sexually attractive (otherwise they would just say WILF [Woman I'd Like to...] or some other term/label that doesn’t bring the passage into motherhood to the equation).
Labels make interactions impersonal. Being sexually desired is personal. At its core, MILF is conflicted, which is why I feel there is such a disparity about its use.
If you want to combat its popular usage, maybe fire needs to be fought with fire. When someone calls you a MILF, call them a LILI [a Lizard that I'd Like to Ignore].
I’m late to this party, but let’s just say I have very little to add to this that is suitable for polite company. And perhaps that should be a high indicator that it’s utterly inappropriate, as others have quite rightly pointed out.
To reiterate Dr. Cmar: Fucker.
@Hussman – That’s perhaps not quite what I meant, and I’m probably being too intellectual about it.
For a word to gain a new accepted meaning in popular culture, the majority of people need to 1. be using said word with it’s new meaning, and 2. not be offended or confused by it’s use as it relates to the old meaning. I’ll still contend that “gay” doesn’t pass that test, although it’s further along that continuum than “MILF,” to be sure.
“Gay” has already changed it’s popularly accepted meaning once over the last 100 years, and might do so again. As a gamer in the midwest growing up in the ’80′s, I’ve seen the origins of its use (and used it myself, in more ignorant times) as lame or uncool, and maturing away from the derogatory origins of using it that way. As you point out, it’s firmly entrenched in some segments of our culture – youth, certain humor genres, and online gaming, to name an overlapping few. Overall though, it’s not used as such by a broad spectrum of adults, or a majority of the population, hence my observation.
The reason I say *might* above is that the offensiveness of the word is derogatorily tied to a specific population of people, many of whom continue to identify it as a slur. In this way, you can similarly argue that other words that are negatively tied to a population of people (racial epithets, for example) will have a much more difficult time of transitioning to a new non-offensive meaning due to their history and the continued perception by some that they are vile slander. (That’s not a commentary on whether or not it’s right or wrong for that to happen, merely the truth of the matter.) It may be that in the future, enough people working for homosexual rights (of any orientation) will no longer see gay as being an insult, and then it might creep firmly into popular usage for uncool among people of all ages and backgrounds.
I have digressed. As you were.
You know, I completely understand that words change based on their popular usage and that we may very well reach a point at which MILF isn’t offensive to most people.
But the thing is, that hasn’t happened yet. It’s still offensive NOW. The movie is just barely a decade old, for goodness’ sake.
Therefore, anyone casually calling someone a MILF to their face as a completely humorless compliment is trying to live outside of current chronology and should be strip-searched by the Time Cops. Just in case.
One sidenote to the whole ‘gay’ thing. I remember as a youth watching TV and they had a guest commentator on a Sunday Morning News Program (could have been CBS Sunday Morning). Anyway, the guy on there was giving a scathing commentary on how upset he was at the way the word ‘gay’ was being adopted by the homosexual community and what a travesty this was to society.
Crazy.
“Faggot, in the UK means cigarette, it used to mean a bundle of sticks, now it is a derogatory term for a homosexual man.”
No, in the UK “fag” means cigarette, but never “faggot”. “Faggots” are something you eat – a kind of meatball variant.
If I was called a DILF I’d feel either flattered or scared, depending upon who said it. I would never call a woman a MILF to her face (except possibly my wife), and can’t quite believe anyone would if they understood the acronym.
Wait, you mean I’m NOT supposed to go into a restaurant and loudly grunt “WANT FOOD”?
Oh, and apparently GILF (yes, the G stands for Grandmother) is the new MILF, what with the whole “cougar” phenomenon and all…
(Sticks head under pillow and sings loudly until it goes away)
The reason not to use terms like MILF is that some women will be offended. Period. There’s no debate that’s worth having about whether or not it’s popular language, or changing language, or what-have-you.
If you want to air on the side of not being a total douchebag, don’t call random ladies on the street MILF.
Or… personal plug here… phat. Don’t call me phat. I know, you’ve explained, it’s about how round and luscious my butt is. You’re not saying “fat” with an f.
I DON’T CARE. It makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know you!
The end.
LOL. This is the hardest I’ve laughed all week
yeah, MILF has a regular backhanded compliment with a lot of leather glove and brass knuckles in it, alright. But, we live in an age where “girl” and “grl” and “g1rlz” and… are all better than “woman” or “women.” The part of the idea that disturbs me is in greg’s comment (10/19):
“…MILF will mean nothing more than an attractive woman PAST COLLEGE AGE [emphasis mine] by then. Consider the word “sexy” — it has “sex” right in it, yet we feel no qualms about applying it to friends, strangers, even cars and electronics.”
A) Really? You’d say this to a stranger that you respected and considered an equal? Suddenly I’m recalling Pulp Fiction and a discussion about what it means for a guy to give anybody a foot massage. We are comfortable throwing around this sort of language because we DON’T respect strangers, or women, or guys who are “Black (or Gay, or Muslim or retired or…) like me.”
B) I find referring to cars as “sexy” silly & lazy. But that’s the product of our heavily commoditized, pulp and idol focused times. If we desire someone we call them “sexy.” But we’re not meaning we wanna have sex with a car, just that we want it. Maybe we want it “a lot.” Yet when I recently pressed a coworker to defend his desire for a “sexy” iPhone he finally admitted he wanted the thing because other people were lining up to express their desire and admiration for what, otherwise, is just an expensive phone.
C) I’m actually interested in the idea that “past college age” has become the “new” departure point for women being over the hill and past their prime. And I’m even more interested in the idea that 23+ year old women should let anyone imply that they are inferior objects of desire all of a sudden.
The next time you bust out calling a “strange” woman MILF or sexy, just be aware. I’m gonna duck.
Saving Private Ryan reintroduced us to FUBAR’s original meaning, then again that wasn’t in common usage among my friends.
Snafu, however, has been used for many years to mean a troubling situation. It’s origins also come from the military and like most of those it was initially an acronym. SNAFU means “situation normal: all fucked up.”
I’m not saying I’m in favor of MILF’s usage . . . ever. I’m just noting how other course phrases have worked their way into more polite society.
@ The One
Let’s talk about context. It’s true that the word faggot used to mean bundle of sticks, but the reason the term is now associated with gay people is because, during the witch trials and subsequent burnings, gay people were often thrown onto the fire first like a bundle of sticks.
So, given the history and etymology of certain words, yeah, these things can be offensive.
This post reminds me of a similar one I wrote a year ago (although not as eloquently as Mur did):
http://daniinnc.blogspot.com/2008/10/lets-stop-drinking-kool-aid-shall-we.html
People should know the full meaning of a word or phrase before they use it.
I think people should think before they speak and a least know what they are saying – on Christmas Eve my cousin, (female) told my son he could put my picture on his key chain and tell his friends “here is my MILF”…??? I even asked her if she knew what that meant I was so shocked and insulted. She told me she had seen American Pie, and knew what it meant. I guess she thinks my 17 year old son should tell his friends “here is my mom I’d like to fuck” Maybe you could put a picture of your pretty Mom on you key chain might be a bit more complementary and less easily misconstrued as some sort of passive aggressive insult.
While I admit it’s not the best of phrases, you’d have to be pretty dense to use it in mixed company. With a couple of bud’s over a beer maybe, but never to a person’s face. Still, I must admit that there is no limit to some people’s stupidity.