Etiquette

April 10th, 2008 • Related • Filed Under

I’ve hinted recently on Twitter and other areas that I need to make a “proper etiquette for contacting your favorite podcaster” blog post. I was surprised at the response - lots of people were actually for it. I was just letting off steam.

Then I found out that John Scalzi had written something similar, and I’d urge you to go there first. Most of what he has to say, especially about remembering people who have pinged you in the past, as well as not being able to chat with you every day, applies to podcasters. But here are some podcaster- (and Mur-) specific rules that you might want to keep in mind.

  • Golden Rule: If someone you don’t know calling you on Skype at midnight without chatting with you first might annoy you, don’t do it to anyone else. Or really, anytime. If you don’t think you’d like what you’re about to do, then don’t do it to someone else.
  • Skype: I swear Skype needs its own set of rules. I don’t always have my rig set up; I am not always in the mood to talk; ergo, calling me without pinging me first is just going to annoy me. I get a lot of foreign men trying to add me to their list, “Hi here is a flower I would like to talk to American woman and believe everyone in the world is beautiful,” and would prefer people to add me because they’re a listener. So just tell me you’re a listener and I’ll add you.
  • Podcast promos: You do not need my permission to play my promo. I WANT you to play my promo. Look on the site first, please. Search for “promo” even. You will probably find what you need. if you don’t, then feel free to ask me for it. And you don’t have to do a promo swap, if you want me to play  your promo, just ask.
  • Titles: If you insist on calling me by my last name, please use “Ms.” not “Mrs.”

One thing to keep in mind - If you’re really worried that you’re one of the people who bothers podcasters, you’re probably not. A scientific study actually showed that incompetent people almost NEVER consider that they could be incompetent; the people who have enough self-awareness to wonder if they MIGHT be incompetent have a better chance of being competent. I’ve found this to be true with annoying people too - if I’ve ever tweeted that someone was annoying, people who never do are the ones who ask if it’s them. (Science also says that a negative doesn’t prove anything, so if you do worry you’re incompetent, you still might be. But your own worry likely is a weapon against it.)

I’m sure theres more, but that’s really it for now.

There Are 19 Responses So Far. »

  1. Comment by Scott on 10 April 2008:

    Good stuff Ms. Lafferty. ;-)

  2. Comment by Aar0n on 10 April 2008:

    …But…You are married and have spawned a small, brightly colored weather formation. Doesn’t that mean you are a Mrs?

  3. Comment by Mur Lafferty on 10 April 2008:

    Aar0n - Traditionally, sure. But I’ve never been traditional. I can’t figure out why women are supposed to change their title when they get married, but men aren’t. I was Ms. Lafferty before I got married, and I’m still Ms. Lafferty now.

    But we could bypass all of this and just have people call me Mur…

  4. Comment by Tabatha on 10 April 2008:

    I agree, I will also always be a Ms. Plus it’s kinda ridiculous to assume folks know your familial situation before even calling you by name.

  5. Comment by jeredr on 10 April 2008:

    I love your last paragraph. Rude and wrong people are always the most vehement.

  6. Comment by Thomas on 10 April 2008:

    You’ve Slashdotted the Scalzi blog, it keeps timing out. Mighty indeed!

  7. Comment by RubyVee on 10 April 2008:

    You could go with Ms. Mur but it would start sounding like Mesmer (possible Superhero name?).

  8. Comment by Andrés on 10 April 2008:

    what? you don’t like to announce to society that your elders have approved a male’s claim on you? shame on you!

    in all honesty, your logic makes complete sense. I (born and raised hispanic) had actually taken it for granted that my (very American and lovely) wife was going to take my last name.

    Also, who the hell calls you on Skype that late?! International or not, how thick do you have to be to not account for timezones?

  9. Comment by Nobilis on 10 April 2008:

    I think the Skype problem comes from, in part, the default behavior; if you double-click a contact it initiates a call.

    I have on occasion accidentally double-clicked a contact.

  10. Comment by Grizzly Smith on 10 April 2008:

    My first thought when I saw the link on Twitter was, “Gee, did I say something wrong?” So, that’s maybe a good sign?

    I don’t even use Skype. I use a whole slew of timeshifted services, so anyone to whom I send a message can simply ignore it till a more convenient time — or use the provided “delete” button.

    But I still worry.

    Skype at midnight? What the heck were they thinkin’?

  11. Comment by Kytty on 10 April 2008:

    Amen, Sister!

    IMHO one of the biggest problems in our culture today is the lack of ettiquette and politeness to each other. I am showing my age in saying this, but when I was in school, ettiquette was taught. I guess I should shut up and be happy that my tax dollars in this day and age are teaching my kid to be minimally functional in math and “language arts” (they don’t even call it “English” anymore because of political correctness…) I guess the Etiquette classes had to make way for metal detectors and video cameras and School District Police Forces. Sigh!

    I am from, and still live in, SE Texas where people do still call men “Sir” and women “Ma’am” and doors are opened for females. I was traditional and took my husband’s last name when we wed but it had nothing to do with women’s rights. It was because we wanted to present ourselves as a family unit - also so I could get rid of my first husband’s last name without having to go through the court system :-) I struggled with this at first and even did the dreaded hyphenated last name thing for a while because I had been in my job 8 years and was well known among our vendors and customers, but eventually changed over for simplicity. A different last name does not make you a different person. If I were a Writer, Actor or any kind of professional where name recognition is important I would keep that public name also.

    I do not know about other states but in Texas a male can take his wife’s surname when they marry. Most here don’t because it’s against the Redneck Code of Honor.

    Only thing I can say about the midnight Skype-ing is that some people are actually still online at that time of night and love to talk until the wee hours. Those of us with jobs, children, real lives, etc. aren’t. Just because the internet is 24 hours a day doesn’t mean I am.

    Thank you for giving us “Da Rules”, now we have no excuses.

  12. Comment by Nora Heineman-Fleck on 10 April 2008:

    I always figured the Ms/Mrs/Miss thing is so people know exactly whose name it is that you’re using– if you’re a Miss, it’s your father’s, if you’re a Mrs, it’s your husband’s. I think Ms is the default for every woman, but I’m not sure. It’d all make a lot more sense if people were introduced as, for example, “Ms. Lafferty” instead of as “Mur Lafferty”.

  13. Comment by uamada on 11 April 2008:

    Hi,
    As a listener and fan for a while & having noticed all the ways that you can be contacted, I had always wondered if anybody ever attempts to overstep the cybermark. I am mortified that anybody would contact you on skype without even attempting to do a timezone calculation for a start and then not at least e-mailing or something before bridging the gap. And that you would need to even consider telling people what is appropriate, well….
    The forum with which you have chosen to express yourself, is by nature very personal, but a normal person would understand that the part you share with us, your art and short glimpses of your life are all that 9999 people out of 10000 get.

    BTW Love the work you, and can’t wait for another (if any) 7th city instalment.

  14. Comment by Beth on 11 April 2008:

    I never understand why you would call someone you don’t know anyway. I mean, what do you say?

    ME: Um, hi, Mur? I’m a listener and I really like your shows.
    MUR: Cool! I’m glad you enjoy them.
    ME: …
    MUR: …
    ME: Well, um, I guess that’s all I wanted to say.
    MUR: Ok, well, thanks for the call.

    I actually HAVE talked to Mur (I interviewed her for my podcast) and she’s friendly and fabulous and after a couple of minutes it felt like we were old friends. But we’re not. I’m just a fan girl. All podcasters love to hear from their listeners, but honestly, if you want to communicate with your favorite podcaster, write them an email, post on the blog, but calling? I don’t get it.

  15. Comment by Clair on 11 April 2008:

    I’m sorry, Ms. Lafferty! I’ll never do it again!

    No, no. Can’t do it. If I call you that, I feel like I am in 4th grade again. If it’s okay by you, I’ll stick with Mur.

  16. Comment by Scott M. Sandridge on 11 April 2008:

    “Podcast promos: You do not need my permission to play my promo. I WANT you to play my promo. Look on the site first, please. Search for “promo” even. You will probably find what you need. if you don’t, then feel free to ask me for it. And you don’t have to do a promo swap, if you want me to play your promo, just ask.”

    Oops…half guilty (blushes).

  17. Comment by Kimi on 14 April 2008:

    OMG if we could collect the number of proposals we’ve probably gotten we would be richer then we needed to be. It drives me insane when they tell you they love you. You’re not alone. :P

  18. Comment by Jeff Hite on 21 May 2008:

    I can’t agree more.

    In my book the Ms. / Mrs. / Mr. / Sgt. / Sir is a requirement for any one that I don’t know personally. That was beaten into my head as a child, and I stick with it even as an adult.

    I see your contact in gmail occasionally and think, I ought to drop her a line and see how she is doing. Then before I can reach for the mouse to click the compose button, I remember I don’t know her personally. I might like to, but I don’t. One more e-mail skipped.

    I have e-mailed a few times and each and every time I do before I hit the send button, I think at least 10 times, I hope she does not think I’m some sort of stalker.

    Just a Fanboy inspired by Mighty Mur! er umm Ms. Laferty :)

  19. Comment by treed on 27 May 2008:

    Oh Mighty Mur, the ONE, the GODDESS of podcasting,
    how’s that for a salution?
    little one, you are right on target…
    My wife, a minister, hyphenated her name. her choice. she lives with me, had my babies and loves me; that’s what matters, not what her last name is.
    as to the skype, i am unfamiliar with it, i have it and have only one person in my contact list and he never uses it. that being said, ASSUMING people want to hear your voice at anytime of day or night is simply riduculous, rude and just plain stupid.

    we have a saying around my house, “Treat people how you want to be treated” (I know, it’s a retread of the golden rule). People have gotten away from it. Common curtesy has been lost somewhere in our society…

    i am rambling, time to quit
    Laters, enjoy

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