It’s hard being a geek when you don’t like monkeys. You’re supposed to get behind the whole zombie/robot/pirate/ninja/monkeys thing whole heartedly. Some people (especially the pirate and ninja fans) choose one group over the rest, but yeah, it’s a pretty standard list of “cool geeky shit.”

Problem is, I don’t like monkeys. They fling poo and are often the (poorly used) plot device if a writer wishes to include chaos. Here’s an injection of monkey! Instant chaos! Now, I guess most people identify with the monkey, that’s why they like it. Boy it would be awesome to fling poo and steal keys and still be considered cute! Maybe I identify with the person the monkey screws with too much, and therefore am not a fan. I dunno.

But I was thinking about this, and the instant chaos thing, and it hit me. All of it. Why we love pirates, monkeys, ninjas, robots and zombies. It’s our never-ending lust for chaos and anarchy in our structured lives. Let me break it down:

Pirates: This is the group that I have a problem with worshipping. On one hand, yeah, adventures on the high seas and no master except your cap’n is romantic, but raping, stealing, and murdering ain’t so much. BUT they’re romantic because of their freedom, their anarchy. No state troopers’ speed traps, no working late on the big report. You take your ship where you want and you do you job for gold and to save your own life. Anarchy reigns.

Monkeys: Total chaos. Poo-flinging dexterous bastards; they steal the macguffin, torment the hero (or the villain), climb high in the tree and mock you. Monkeys bow to no one. Monkeys are the epitome of chaos and anarchy.

Ninjas: Ninjas are tricky because they supposedly have a code. Or am I thinking of bushido and samurai? Oh well. I’m running with it. Like pirates, they have their own code, they have to follow a leader or, likely, lose their lives. But they are outside the law, making their own rules, killing who they like. Anarchy, but structured.

Robots: Now, we all know robots are created to serve man but we all know that one day they’re going to turn on us, and that’s when it’ll get interesting. Rosie the Robot Maid isn’t interesting till she talks some smack. And when the robots take over and make us go underground, it’ll be total chaos as we try to rebuild society to fight back.

Zombies: As most zombie movies center on lots of zombies and few humans, it’s a post-apocalyptic world where we’re forced to violence running and quick thinking to survive. Put a bullet in mom’s brain, she just got bit! Can you have more anarchy than that?

Maybe I don’t like anarchy and chaos because I’m afraid that if it comes, I’m not going to be the action hero rising above the chaos, or that I am going to make a good agent of said chaos (”Oh man, sorry I broke that vase I was trying to steal. Yarr.”) I’ll be the screwup, the first against the wall when the revolution comes, the first victim garroted, or torn apart by my robot friend. It’s my car keys the cute monkey will steal as I’m desperately trying to unlock my car as the zombies shuffle forward.

So yeah. I don’t like monkeys.